3 days

i’m sorta wondering what happened this month because…

my surgery is in 3 days.

holymotherfuckingshit.

the dr. wanted to take photos for the archives so we can look back and think, goddamnit, how were you not falling over all the time?

i was feeling self conscious and weird putting on articles of clothing that i’ve always second guessed, things i never thought I could pull off or made me feel like i stood out because of this fat roll, exposed chub, emphasized short torso, etc. all these things i hated about myself and made me feel dumpy and unattractive.

but after seeing some of the photos afterwards, it was almost like someone had taken off the self hate goggles and i couldn’t believe there was now physical proof of me in a bikini and i wasn’t having a mental breakdown about it.

it can only get better too.

3 is the magic number.

3 days and while the idea of having surgery is scary, i’m looking forward to seeing how my running gait improves and having the ability to walk into a store to buy a bra that isn’t $100+.

red cross classes: first aid, cpr & aed for the lay person

while i can’t take the class until after my surgery, it’s something i’m going to do.

http://www.redcross.org/take-a-class

my mind is still trying to process yesterday. i had a hard time going to bed until i admitted to the dr., “I saw too many horrible things today.”

i couldn’t stop myself from watching all the videos and looking through all the horrific slide shows of gruesome bloody photos. i don’t know why i couldn’t just stop myself.  i kept hitting refresh.  i kept letting it consume me.  i kept my mouth shut though as i didn’t really want to talk about it.

i couldn’t really talk about it.

i didn’t know how to. in all my online conversations and text messages the most i could come up with was.

fuck.

the thing that i could not let go was the idea that someone had decided to head to the marathon to celebrate the fact that human beings do crazy shit like run 26.2 miles just because they can and then…

‘l saw someone lose their leg’ 

‘i saw dismemberment’

and then they’re met with this.

whether they were running the race and were moments away from fulfilling a dream, whether they were cheering from the sidelines looking for their loved ones, or yelling out encouragement and love to strangers for the sheer joy of it…

they’re met with this kind of horror.

Steve Silva, the sports producer from Boston.com was filming at the finish line and his comments were the first ones i saw posted online as well as his video.

His were the first words i read that made my insides crumble.

My connection to Boston and the lazy summer days i spent laying around in Copely Square brought this close to home for me but my new found running routine (with the ultimate goal of running a marathon) made me feel a whole new level of shock and sorrow.

Being so far away I feel so helpless and useless.  If you know me, you know that I have severe issues with feeling useless.

So the only logical thing for me would be to learn something useful and while i never want to be in a situation that would ever call for me to use this knowledge I will be damned if disaster struck around me and all I could do was stand there and not do anything. the class would be a small step towards being a certified emergency medical responder.  

Locals:  Sports Basement also offers free CPR training classes in the city though I don’t think they offer official certification:  http://community.sportsbasement.com/free-classes/cpr/

The Red Cross also offers classes in Emergency Preparedness and Emergency Medical Response.  

it’s something i want to do for myself.  i’m a doer and i have a hard time not doing anything.

in the meantime, i’m taking a break from the media coverage. while i want to know the whys and hows and whos as much as everyone else does i’m not a fan of speculation and finger pointing and the mess that comes with it.  

wheeee

my favorite ‘oops’ photo from last weekend’s saturday hike with sadia and heather. it was a gorgeous day in marin and as we approved the top of barnabe’s peak the terrain opened up into soft grass and blue sky which was a shock compared to the dark fern and poison oak laden trail that was the four mile climb up. we all instantly had the same thought as we approached the light at the end of the tunnel and couldn’t help but start singing about the hills being alive.

weekend hikes are on hiatus this week and possibly next due to busy schedules but the past couple of saturdays have been a much needed break from the city.

every hike we’ve been on one of us has said, “GOD I LOVE LIVING IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA.”

it fits me, this place. when i first moved here it fit me in a different kind of way. a dive-bar-cheap-whiskey-mistakes-are-for-making-four-roommates kinda way. today it’s more of a vitamix-juicing-bikram-yoga-wearing-leggings-as-pants-vegetarian-hiking-staying-in-with-the-boyfriend-on-a-friday-night kinda way.

not that these things don’t fit in elsewhere. it’s just that i’ve felt like i’ve finally arrived home the moment i stepped foot in this city.

i may or may not live in san francisco my entire life but it will always feel like home.

april 25

i took this photo in 2009 when i was getting into the habit of taking profile shots to get comfortable with how i looked from the side and remember thinking this photo in particular made me think of getting a breast reduction.
i had always thought about it though.
ever since waking up a 13 year old with the inability to hide them in my gym shirt when no one else had boobs yet. ever since i realized how ridiculous they look when i run. ever since i realized how much attention they drew when all i ever wanted was to be invisible. ever since i realized that i could get my head to my knees in a standing forward fold if they didn’t exist. ever since i realized i could never wear button down shirts. ever since i tried on a tank top with a ridiculous shelf bra that did nothing for me. ever since my first yoga class. ever since i got appropriately measured and found out my true bra size was a 36G and not a DD which I had been squeezing myself into because that was the largest cup size available in most department stores. ever since i realized that bras would now cost $100+ if I ever wanted real support. ever since my first strapless bra bruised me because i wore it for 2+ hours. ever since i started wearing over sized tops to keep them covered. ever since i started realizing that i went down steps hunched over with a fear of falling because i couldn’t see my feet. ever since my ex boyfriend told me not to get rid of them because he was selfish. ever since i noticed them and how they just got in the way of everything and i got tired of working around them.
i had my pre-op appointment with my surgeon today and he was so happy to see me back so soon after our initial consultation and that we were all set to go. i spent a half hour signing paperwork and reading about all sorts of things that could go wrong with any kind of surgery in general and then initializing documents noting i am aware of these risks.
for a split second my fear addled brain paused and though, “is this a good idea?”
then i told it to shut up. it’s same voice that tells you you can’t do things because they’re too scary and not worth it and it’s the voice i’ve done a really good job at shutting down after it tells me its opinion.
my surgeon’s surgery coordinator was great. she let me read everything thoroughly and didn’t rush me. she brought me water, walked me through what to do 3 weeks before surgery, 2 weeks, and the week before up to the day before. all of this was also in the paperwork she gave me. i received the paperwork to get blood work done as well as a pack of vitamins with specific instructions on when to start taking each one. she gave me a list of medications and supplements to stop taking 3 weeks prior to surgery (most have to do with blood thinning) and she scheduled my first post-op appointment for 4 days after the actual surgery. the thoroughness of dr. mosser’s office is comforting. i have my prescriptions in hand already as well as a list of things i may want to pick up and have in the house post surgery to make recovery easier. i left the office feeling as ready as i can be. it’s like they seem to know that information makes me feel safe. the more information i have the more at ease i feel.
april 25.
you cannot come fast enough

hobbler

i guess my body is telling me to take a break. the only thing i’ve added to my runs though have been things like lunges, squats and modified push ups (as much as i’d like to believe i can do real push ups, i can only really do two before crapping out). i downloaded a 99 cent app called Gorilla Workouts which has different levels to start from with simple workouts consisting of several sets of different weight bearing exercises that don’t really require any special equipment.

on monday i started with day 1, level 1 and did 4 sets of 8 squats, 4 lunges and 10 modified push ups.

by night time my hamstrings woke up and protested their concern of doing all of this after a 45 minute run.

last night i completed day 3, level 1, which consisted of 4 rounds of 10 squats and 10 modified push ups.

this was after a 45 minute run and before trekking up the hill to my house with a bag full of groceries.

by the time i got home i was broken. i don’t remember the last time i was sore. i was grateful day 2 was core work…and that’s coming from someone who has repeatedly told people that she has no core.

i don’t. it’s all cotton candy and marshmallow fluff.

i’m limping around today like an old person. i feel like i will always be limping around like an old person. at what point do i stop hobbling and start strutting like a rock star?

i soak in a hot epsom salt bath after workouts too and it brings momentary relief but then i get up and need handrails and shit.

it took 2 weeks for my body to get used to running. i guess i should report back in another week to let you all know if i’m bound to be a hobbler the rest of my life or if my legs have found their will to live.

nothing to report

life has been drama-less as of late though maybe some big things have happened in my camp.  work stuffs. taking more classes  (though not in massage). trying not to think too much about boob job 2013 (must refrain from buying bras that may not fit). working out.  running and more running and more weight bearing stuff such as squats and lunges and other things my legs don’t like.  seriously, yesterday getting in and out of chairs was hard.  my thighs would quiver.  my hamstrings were sad and angry.  despite major soreness i went to the gym and did the eliptical to show my poor hammies some mercy.  

i’ve been making a green juice everyday out of kale. spinach, ginger, a handful of frozen blueberries, 1/2 a carrot, 1/2 a celery stalk (i hate celery), splash of pineapple juice, splash of apple cider.  i’ve been using our vitamix so all the fibrous stuff is still in there.  i drink my green sludge and it’s not so bad.  i’m feeling pretty good too despite last week’s bout with illness and portland recovery.  a week and a half before my pre-op appointment with my surgeon and jeff’s bday.  

this is the most boring read ever but it’s my life right now and i’ll take boring for now.  i can’t complain. most of my days are work, gym, hummus.  i go through bags of epsom salts like nobody’s business and hobble around like an old person but i feel like i’m making progress.  i can run without puking up a lung and if that’s not special i don’t know what is.

 

 

yes

even though i broke up with my therapist last year i still feel like everything he’s taught me is still with me.

this is a good thing.

now only if i could shake off this cold.