(photo credit, Chris Fanning)

Chris Layda, one of my three favorite soulcycle teachers is my fitspiration. I think it’s because beyond this photo, I’ve seen him in person, I’ve gone to his classes, I’ve been pushed and motivated in ways I’ve never been before.  I realized after Monday night’s sweat therapy session that I am the most honest with myself on how much resistance I put on the wheel in Chris’ class.   I don’t negotiate like I do in other classes.  I just turn it to the right and I trust that I can push through it and I end up surprising myself when I do.  I think I also had gotten used to the way classes seem to be structured with hills and sprints placed in certain places.  Having the intense hill climb after arms instead of before threw me for a loop and it was refreshing because my brain and body were expecting a contemplative song and out of the seat jog followed by the final sprint home.

While there’s the class that’s the most fun (bea) and the class that’s emotionally fulfilling and therapeutic (ian), Chris’ class is the most physically challenging for me because for some reason when he’s in that room and i’m on that bike i trust that i can do whatever it is he’s telling me to do and i walk away completely aware that my body has changed.

and that feeling is more inspirational than any image on the internet you can ever find of the most athletic person in the world.

breaking it down it sounds so simple. i want to change.  i know what to do to enact this change. i do the thing and the result is change.  what i never account for in this process is the part of my brain that tells me that no matter what i do i will not succeed.  there is a voice that’s buried deep within all of us that tells us these things, plants the seed of doubt, makes us second guess everything we do.  i often drown in this and and tip toe back and forth over feeling good about myself and feeling awful about everything i do and this struggle, this internal fighting is what keeps me from really fully getting to any goal i set.

i see the shiny gold medal at the end of the rainbow and even if i’m one inch away from reaching it what keeps me from it is he fact that there is a piece of me that believes I don’t deserve it.  no matter how hard i work or how much i give, there is a tiny slice of me that still believes i’m not worthy of it.

i’m holding myself back.  i’m in my own way.

i’ve known this for awhile.

the next step is to get comfortable with being awesome.

i’m constantly amazed at how emotionally exhausting it is to believe you’re not worthy of happiness.  it’s a process and it moves slower than i want it to but it helps to have someone on a consistent basis tell you you can do something you’re so sure you can’t do.


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January 2014
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  • cutting the necks and shortening all the sleeves on every t-shirt i own means i will have an endless supply of Flashdance tops. 1 day ago



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