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well then THAT happened

the year started out quiet and easy. life was good.  i thrive the most during quiet times. i did a lot of yoga and spent time with the dr. and not much else.  

we had a portland reunion.  it was pretty successful.  i miss having everyone i know in one place.

we started going on weekly hikes.  we got lost a lot.  and i got dirty. a lot.

 

we mostly rewarded ourselves with food.
my favorite food group

my favorite food group

i bought the dr. a plane for his birthday.  

i made an appointment.  i had my boobs removed.

recovery wasn’t as awful as anticipated.  4.4 lbs of boob removed and i started going down stairs differently and stood taller.  running and yoga were completely new experiences.  

that’s a lot of boob when you look at it.

sadia introduced me to soulcycle.  i cried during my first class. i couldn’t honestly tell you if it was because i was so out of shape the class broke my body or because something inside my brain snapped and all this stuff came spilling out.  stress and bad memories and lots of ugly awful guilt. feeling all the feels is not pretty. it’s made especially worse in Marin, the land of fit blondes with disposable income(with whom we were basically surrounded by). thank god they keep the room dark. 

we kept hiking.  we’d soulcycle and hike and this was better and cheaper than therapy.

we even discovered ferngully

a lot of this year i felt like this.

and this.

but this always helped

and spending time here

we went here for my birthday

and the dr. asked me to marry him

this was the year i came to love the woods

oh, and i said yes

i went to wisconsin to eat at culvers and see this little guy

work started to get sorta crazy too

so there was a lot of this

and this

but we got to go away for an offsite retreat!

i need to find a wedding dress. so there was some of this

i went to seattle to see some of my favorite people get married

and discovered the wonder that is Port Townsend 

and started to re-evaluate my priorities

sadia and jason threw us an engagement party at flora grubb

soulcycle opened in the city

i added it into my workout routine.  i even ran uphill from my house to class one day.  this is not recommended.

we flew home for the holidays

so i could spend as much time as possible oogling these guys

and hang out with these guys

and share this guy with the entire family where i usually just get him all to myself

and eat more than my fair share of east coast junk food i can’t get in SF (not pictured: tastykakes & soft pretzels)

somewhere along the way this year i lost 30 lbs without killing myself 

and even though i’m currently laid up in bed with some sort of evil flu proof positive

proof positive

i’m pretty happy with how 2013 turned out.  

i did not stab anyone repeatedly with a fork as i’ve often daydreamed about because it’s not worth the effort to hate.  

even the times i’ve turned that hate around on myself, I gave up and let it go. 

even though it’s a struggle, even though there are a hundred justifiable reasons to hold onto it, i’ve realized the best thing to do is to let go of what no longer serves you.  there are lots of other things out there that deserve your time and effort. like baby nephews and baking cookies and reading books and getting lost in the woods with your friends.

yup

i can’t predict what will happen next year.  

but if you need me i’m going to kill this head cold and step outside to enjoy this last bit of 2013.

i hope you have a wonderful evening.  stay warm. do dumb things.  don’t get caught.  sleep in and eat lots of pancakes tomorrow.  

i know i will.

 

 
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sc vs. fw

this is basically how i feel after 3 days at my parents house in new jersey. i don’t know how i failed to realize that our family pastime is sitting around the kitchen table inhaling whatever random food happens to be there. for a family of diabetics there sure is a lot of cheesecake laying around.

stray pieces of pretzels, chocolate, pasta, whathaveyou have been making their way into my mouth when i’m not paying attention.  i’ve been combatting this with running.  today i managed to convince my cousin to take jeff and i to a spin class in Philly through a torrential downpour.  

i had heard of flywheel from doing some online research about soulcycle after sadia got me hooked and liked the idea of being able to track your progress through actual hard numbers that your bike would generate about your RPM and Torq (resistance).  Not only would you be be able to see these numbers on the screen attached to your bike they’re also saved to your profile account.  You can also opt in to see your rank (your cumulative efforts of speed and resistance give you a power number) against others in the class who opted in to the Torq Board.  your stats would come up on a set of flat screens above the instructor once in awhile during the course of the class.

this was both helpful and awful at the same time.

whereas i liked the idea of knowing where my efforts stood in relation to everyone else’s it did not dawn on me until after class how damaging it could be to have just one more thing, one more set of numbers, to judge myself against.

the leaderboard and the bike stats were distracting and while i liked that i could not lie to myself by faking turning up the resistance when prompted to, i also couldn’t lose myself in class like i do at soul cycle. the instructor gives you specific number ranges to turn your torq up to or to push your RPM’s to and with the constant fiddling and moving my towel around so i could see my numbers on the bike while out in third position i found myself distracted and unable to stay with the music or turn my brain off to let my body work while it took a break from overthinking everything.

it’s easy to overthink when you’re watching numbers and when you know everyone else can see your numbers as well.  my own doing, i know.  i opted in.  i chose this.  

i spent most of the class hovering around 6th place and somehow during a push close to the end of class i rounded out the whole experience at 4th.  i felt pretty ok about it all but i definitely did not walk out of the studio feeling good the way i do at sc.  

i came to the conclusion that flywheel felt like an individual game.  even checking into class you do by yourself and your bike shoes are in little cubbies that correspond to your bike number.  you don’t have to talk to a single soul when you go in or out.  the staff was nice enough but i did get the feeling that no one was exactly happy to be there.  (i mean, I can’t blame them, it’s 2 days before christmas, it’s pouring rain out and you’re below ground level with no windows to the outside world.) 

the workout itself was intense and i did leave dripping sweat but i didn’t leave feeling like i left all the bullshit i carry around with me on the bike ready to deal with the world again.

i can go to the gym and zone out on cardio until the cows come home and that’s only $15 a month.

flywheel pros:

  • free shoe rental and shoes were super comfy
  • ride stats saved to your online account
  • good gauge of how much actual resistance you should be using
  • stadium seating & good distance between bikes
  • torq board class stats for competitive people

flywheel cons:

  • felt isolating (individual) and cold
  • staff was meh
  • torq board stats (for those of us who are our own worst enemies)
  • weighted batons instead of individual dumbells (just my preference, i think doing alternating lifts and curls helps with core work and balancing)
  • instructor didn’t ask if anyone was new so they could keep their eye out on newbies or go over any basics. if this was my very first spin class i know i’d be lost.
  • bad mic and sound system.  the instructor’s mic wasn’t great so his voice wasn’t clear and you couldn’t make out what he said at times (i took cues from others in class on whether i should be out of the saddle or in it).
  • CHRISTMAS MUSIC IN CLASS, not good music in general, instructor didn’t really motivate anyone to keep on beat.
  • class was mostly sprints with some hills but no tap backs or other coordinated movement to keep it interesting.

i’m glad i went and got my workout for the day.  tomorrow i’ll hit the pavement again for another run to keep burning for all the stray chocolates that make their way into my mouth for the next couple of days.

oh, and um, this dress in ivory happened. 

if nothing else comes through, i have a wedding dress!

 

basically

basically

while this was from earlier this year when i was none too happy stuck inside doing homework on a beautiful 80 degree sunny day in the city it still sorta applies today where it’s hovering somewhere in the 30s and it’s more real work as opposed to reading construction drawings for buildings that don’t exist.

i look forward to going home. new jersey may be the armpit of the country but it’s an armpit i can go to where absolutely nothing is required of me but going to midnight mass on Christmas Eve. i can spend the rest of my week there sleeping in, stuffing soft pretzels into my mouth at all waking moments and napping. so yeah. equal parts eating and sleeping with one hour allocated to the jesus’ birthday party. one hour if we’re lucky. one hour if the overzealous choir guy doesn’t go rogue on his after communion solo of ‘Ave Maria’.

there is something comforting about being able to hang out in the room i grew up in and read books which constitutes 90% of my teenage years. going back to a place and time where nothing was required of me but to be smart. back then, being smart was really easy. i just had to not ruffle any feathers at school and get good grades and everyone left me alone. when i look back i had no right to all that ridiculous teenage angst i carried around. i had it pretty sweet.

while my family and i haven’t always been bff’s i’ve always had the luxury of going home and having the room i grew up in look pretty much the same for the most part and this sanctuary, this safe place, is a warm comfortable place to hide for awhile. i’m giving myself a time out to hit the reset button.

cranky

cranky

i’ve been buried deeply in my own brain lately and it’s scary place. it’s been all work related madness and i always find it fascinating that during these stressful times i do not do the things that i need to do to keep myself functioning like a normal human being.

my lack of yoga has been due to the work schedule and it’s these times i need my practice the most. i’ve been emotional, hateful and completely bitter about the state of my life lately. it’s completely childish. i can recognize that i’m feeling much like an overtired toddler who needs a nap but that doesn’t change how i’ve been behaving.

the need to hibernate is great. people exhaust me. i feel on edge like something catastrophic is going to happen and all i want to do is retreat.

i guess i’m just at that point in my life where i thought i would have figured out what i want to be when i grow up but unfortunately that’s not the case.

reason #259 i love soul cycle

reason #259 i love soul cycle

“Let someone else’s behavior be someone else’s behavior—don’t let it affect you. Go! GO!”

i may still need help getting my clips in but my glutes and thighs are made out of steel. this translates into walking taller, carrying myself like i care for myself and being open to the possibilities that change is possible and the most necessary thing in life to keep moving forward.

authentic

00a902d8ceb250c6039081f1c9629044i know that the general consensus is that you should be your authentic self and everyone else can go screw if they don’t like it.

this continues to be a struggle because it can’t be so cut and dry.  most things rarely are.

there’s this kinda sassy independent strong impression of someone who’s like “fuck it!  this is who i am! deal with it!”

there’s also this kinda selfishness that i can’t jive with. i think it has to do with the last line.  people don’t HAVE to deal with it.  they can exit your lives and it could be for the better or it could be because you couldn’t see past your own awesomeness to hear out someone else.

i think i just follow too many self esteem self-empowerment tumblrs.  i get it.  you need to repeatedly tell yourself and the whole world these things lest you get crushed by your own crippling self doubt.

i think it’s just as self empowering to tell the universe, “i’m uncertain and awkward and i have issues and i have no idea what i’m doing!” 

yeah, i have no idea what i’m doing a good chunk of the time.

i booked our wedding venue yesterday and as i hung up the phone with east bay parks and rec i felt a huge sense of relief and accomplishment.  i think i audibly said, “Whew!” Finding the venue meant we had a date and that meant we no longer had to go on road trips to random parks and places with windy roads which meant no more car sickness for me.  which leads me to ask the internet, have they invented something yet for motion sickness that doesn’t knock you down like dramamine?  i mean, the less drowsy formula i’m sure will still knock me out considering how sensitive i am to such things.

the next step is to figure out caterers.  i jumped in headfirst into the list of approved caterers for the Brazillian Room and started my comparison spreadsheet and i found myself feeling a bit odd that i think spreadsheets are fun.  acquiring data and putting it into an easy to read format brings me such joy that i question my sanity.  just a little bit.  planning and execution would be my talent in the world’s most boring talent show.

the step i want to skip to is dress but i know better and need to hold off since i know full well that i won’t know what size i’ll be next August much less next month.  I’m down 24 lbs and am less than 10 lbs away from my initial goal weight.  i’ve been quiet on the blog front mostly because it’s been busy in my camp but also because i’ve been having issues with being my authentic self.  it always sounds so bad when i say that.  it’s just such a northern californian new-age-hippie-ish thing to say but …that’s my authentic self!  argharghargh.

i would say i’ve been about 60% swept away with wedding stuff, getting excited about this weird event that i’d never thought would happen, feeling girly and happy about all of it even while some parts bring stress and money is always in the back of my head as i try to make smart decisions about what we should spend money on (ice cream truck) and what we shouldn’t (cheesy DJ) .  all of this very girly stuff coupled with weight loss i feel like i’ve got to hide a lot of this kinda stuff instead of share the good news.  i know all of this goes back to growing up and learning i shouldn’t boast.  it’s ultimately a really tough line for me to identify boastful and having pride in what you’ve accomplished.   I think I ultimately have a hard time really enjoying sharing what’s going on in my life when it’s going good because i basically assume no one wants to hear someone talk about whatever frivolous shit i’m happy about.  but it’s not frivolous and i need to stop downplaying joy.  being happy isn’t being overbearing,  being happy just is what it is and while i don’t need to shout it from the rooftops i also don’t have to hide it lest someone misinterprets it.

i think i’ve been trapped in my own brain lately with all of this stuff floating around.  having to police yourself is a full time job and it gets really exhausting holding yourself back from being yourself.  i keep reminding myself that everyone’s doing the best they can.  i love that this is the name of the dr.’s tumblr. i think of this when met with difficult work situations or when when i want to throttle someone because we’re not communicating well.  i tell myself that they’re doing the best they can and even if i don’t wholeheartedly believe it i still repeat it because i can’t assume what’s going on in their lives and make judgement calls on whether they can do better or not.  i can only speak for myself and i know i can do better by myself by being more authentic when someone asks me what’s going on in my life.  i’m getting married to a person who i am 100% sure of, I’ll be down to my goal weight within a month or so and while none of these things change the fact that i am still awkward,  socially retarded and have issues, it all balances itself out.

pretty things

pretty things

so what if i like pretty things?


cracked

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