authentic

00a902d8ceb250c6039081f1c9629044i know that the general consensus is that you should be your authentic self and everyone else can go screw if they don’t like it.

this continues to be a struggle because it can’t be so cut and dry.  most things rarely are.

there’s this kinda sassy independent strong impression of someone who’s like “fuck it!  this is who i am! deal with it!”

there’s also this kinda selfishness that i can’t jive with. i think it has to do with the last line.  people don’t HAVE to deal with it.  they can exit your lives and it could be for the better or it could be because you couldn’t see past your own awesomeness to hear out someone else.

i think i just follow too many self esteem self-empowerment tumblrs.  i get it.  you need to repeatedly tell yourself and the whole world these things lest you get crushed by your own crippling self doubt.

i think it’s just as self empowering to tell the universe, “i’m uncertain and awkward and i have issues and i have no idea what i’m doing!” 

yeah, i have no idea what i’m doing a good chunk of the time.

i booked our wedding venue yesterday and as i hung up the phone with east bay parks and rec i felt a huge sense of relief and accomplishment.  i think i audibly said, “Whew!” Finding the venue meant we had a date and that meant we no longer had to go on road trips to random parks and places with windy roads which meant no more car sickness for me.  which leads me to ask the internet, have they invented something yet for motion sickness that doesn’t knock you down like dramamine?  i mean, the less drowsy formula i’m sure will still knock me out considering how sensitive i am to such things.

the next step is to figure out caterers.  i jumped in headfirst into the list of approved caterers for the Brazillian Room and started my comparison spreadsheet and i found myself feeling a bit odd that i think spreadsheets are fun.  acquiring data and putting it into an easy to read format brings me such joy that i question my sanity.  just a little bit.  planning and execution would be my talent in the world’s most boring talent show.

the step i want to skip to is dress but i know better and need to hold off since i know full well that i won’t know what size i’ll be next August much less next month.  I’m down 24 lbs and am less than 10 lbs away from my initial goal weight.  i’ve been quiet on the blog front mostly because it’s been busy in my camp but also because i’ve been having issues with being my authentic self.  it always sounds so bad when i say that.  it’s just such a northern californian new-age-hippie-ish thing to say but …that’s my authentic self!  argharghargh.

i would say i’ve been about 60% swept away with wedding stuff, getting excited about this weird event that i’d never thought would happen, feeling girly and happy about all of it even while some parts bring stress and money is always in the back of my head as i try to make smart decisions about what we should spend money on (ice cream truck) and what we shouldn’t (cheesy DJ) .  all of this very girly stuff coupled with weight loss i feel like i’ve got to hide a lot of this kinda stuff instead of share the good news.  i know all of this goes back to growing up and learning i shouldn’t boast.  it’s ultimately a really tough line for me to identify boastful and having pride in what you’ve accomplished.   I think I ultimately have a hard time really enjoying sharing what’s going on in my life when it’s going good because i basically assume no one wants to hear someone talk about whatever frivolous shit i’m happy about.  but it’s not frivolous and i need to stop downplaying joy.  being happy isn’t being overbearing,  being happy just is what it is and while i don’t need to shout it from the rooftops i also don’t have to hide it lest someone misinterprets it.

i think i’ve been trapped in my own brain lately with all of this stuff floating around.  having to police yourself is a full time job and it gets really exhausting holding yourself back from being yourself.  i keep reminding myself that everyone’s doing the best they can.  i love that this is the name of the dr.’s tumblr. i think of this when met with difficult work situations or when when i want to throttle someone because we’re not communicating well.  i tell myself that they’re doing the best they can and even if i don’t wholeheartedly believe it i still repeat it because i can’t assume what’s going on in their lives and make judgement calls on whether they can do better or not.  i can only speak for myself and i know i can do better by myself by being more authentic when someone asks me what’s going on in my life.  i’m getting married to a person who i am 100% sure of, I’ll be down to my goal weight within a month or so and while none of these things change the fact that i am still awkward,  socially retarded and have issues, it all balances itself out.

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