april 25

april 25

i took this photo in 2009 when i was getting into the habit of taking profile shots to get comfortable with how i looked from the side and remember thinking this photo in particular made me think of getting a breast reduction.
i had always thought about it though.
ever since waking up a 13 year old with the inability to hide them in my gym shirt when no one else had boobs yet. ever since i realized how ridiculous they look when i run. ever since i realized how much attention they drew when all i ever wanted was to be invisible. ever since i realized that i could get my head to my knees in a standing forward fold if they didn’t exist. ever since i realized i could never wear button down shirts. ever since i tried on a tank top with a ridiculous shelf bra that did nothing for me. ever since my first yoga class. ever since i got appropriately measured and found out my true bra size was a 36G and not a DD which I had been squeezing myself into because that was the largest cup size available in most department stores. ever since i realized that bras would now cost $100+ if I ever wanted real support. ever since my first strapless bra bruised me because i wore it for 2+ hours. ever since i started wearing over sized tops to keep them covered. ever since i started realizing that i went down steps hunched over with a fear of falling because i couldn’t see my feet. ever since my ex boyfriend told me not to get rid of them because he was selfish. ever since i noticed them and how they just got in the way of everything and i got tired of working around them.
i had my pre-op appointment with my surgeon today and he was so happy to see me back so soon after our initial consultation and that we were all set to go. i spent a half hour signing paperwork and reading about all sorts of things that could go wrong with any kind of surgery in general and then initializing documents noting i am aware of these risks.
for a split second my fear addled brain paused and though, “is this a good idea?”
then i told it to shut up. it’s same voice that tells you you can’t do things because they’re too scary and not worth it and it’s the voice i’ve done a really good job at shutting down after it tells me its opinion.
my surgeon’s surgery coordinator was great. she let me read everything thoroughly and didn’t rush me. she brought me water, walked me through what to do 3 weeks before surgery, 2 weeks, and the week before up to the day before. all of this was also in the paperwork she gave me. i received the paperwork to get blood work done as well as a pack of vitamins with specific instructions on when to start taking each one. she gave me a list of medications and supplements to stop taking 3 weeks prior to surgery (most have to do with blood thinning) and she scheduled my first post-op appointment for 4 days after the actual surgery. the thoroughness of dr. mosser’s office is comforting. i have my prescriptions in hand already as well as a list of things i may want to pick up and have in the house post surgery to make recovery easier. i left the office feeling as ready as i can be. it’s like they seem to know that information makes me feel safe. the more information i have the more at ease i feel.
april 25.
you cannot come fast enough

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