when i got laid off in 2009 i left work and went straight to the dr’s house. we had not been dating very long and it felt a bit presumptuous of me to ask if i could come over because my life was falling apart but for some reason, it also felt like it was ok to ask and i knew in my brain he would be fine with it and he would welcome me, snotty, sobbing, the complete hot mess train wreck i was at the time.

during crisis mode i had been used to dealing with things on my own and if it didn’t feel like i could fix it alone i’d end up calling josh, jessica or eric, the three people who know how to talk me off a ledge. it had taken an entire lifetime to let these three in and i had this unspoken rule to never let anyone i dated into this circle because i was convinced that relationships didn’t work like friendships and you needed to be on perfect behavior or you’d be fired.

all fucked up notions of what i thought relationships were aside…i texted the dr. and asked to come over because i couldn’t deal and he said yes, met me at the door and let me completely fall apart in the foyer like he had known me forever and there was no weird anxiety about how it was inappropriate behavior.

so this.

this is what it’s like to genuinely care for someone after you throw away the strange rules we make up when dating on what is wrong and right. this is love when you toss out the window all the anxiety and fear of rejection.

after that day i knew that this relationship was going to be different and for the first time in my life i let someone in with no guarantees that they wouldn’t misuse or abuse that trust.

4 years later, he still hasn’t.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s



February 2013
« Jan   Mar »


  • RT @HxOvAx: me, in lush: lotion seller. i'm going into a bathroom, and i need your strongest lotions lush employee: you know not what you a… 5 days ago


%d bloggers like this: