lucky

love

i love the dr. i love our little life together. even as i’ve been coming home from work feeling icky and stressed and unmotivated and gross. even though he’s been sick as a dog for the past week. even though our oven is broken.

crawling into a warm bed to read before passing out has now become my favorite thing ever because he joins me.

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i am eternally grateful. in looking back over the past couple of years and how much i’ve changed, how much more ambition i have to do things i’ve always wanted to do but never thought i could are due to the fact that i’ve finally felt supported enough to do these things.

we were sitting around the table one night talking about attraction and what some of the things you first notice about someone that attracts you to them and i admitted that one of the most attractive things about the dr. when we first met was his confidence. he didn’t seem afraid to do things. he just went for it. i told him i found him to be fearless. when we first started dating and i had escaped to wisconsin to hide out from the world for a week he hung out and got drunk with my friends. my gay boyfriends. they told me that he taught them how to light a light bulb with a pickle or something to that effect. josh texted me and told me jeff was a genius. it was so strange and refreshing. i was seeing someone who actually spent time with my friends without me and i loved that. he wasn’t afraid. odd thing was, i wasn’t either. i seemed to always have this dual life when i was dating someone. either the person i was dating was completely unavailable to involve themselves enough with me to meet or hang with my friends (that should have always been a glaring sign but i’ve always ignored it) or was terrified of social gatherings.

as our relationship grew, the more confidence i gained just from being around him.

last night i came home from the gym and admitted how i’ve felt guilty for everything and anything i could blame myself for.

“the dishes aren’t done.”

“i didn’t do them either.”

“i didn’t think about food for dinner so there’s nothing cooking.”

“i didn’t think about it either.”

“i can’t seem to muster up the energy to go to yoga. i keep cancelling.”

“at least you’re smart enough to know not to force yourself to go. so hush.”

i’m still learning that it’s not all on me to do everything. i’m actually with someone i can share the work with. someone who is willing to do the work. after a lifetime of doing all the work in the relationship (most of the time just so i could keep it stable and in tact) i need to let it go and learn to share the responsibility and i need to not feel bad about it.

i’m hoping this odd january funk i’m in blows over. i hate feeling so melodramatic.

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