today

today

i bought a fitness magazine this week. it was an impulse buy. i was at the pharmacy counter waiting for a scrip and i read a couple of the ‘lose 10 lbs fast!’ headlines and grabbed it at the last minute.

the fucker was $4!

what? i hadn’t gotten sucked into a fitness or health magazine in a long time. after realizing a couple of years ago that most of them regurgitate the same crap that isn’t helpful for someone like me. i’m not inspired by glossy images of toned models doing exercises or boxing with several well placed beads of sweat and i’m not the target audience because i’m aware of foods like quinoa and amaranth.

the magazine burned a hole in my bag for a couple of days before i listlessly flipped through it and found that nothing has changed and yes, the promise of losing 10 lbs fast still exists and still remains something i do not understand.

the baser part of my brain grabbed the mag because it thought, ‘i’d like to lose 10 lbs fast! sure!’

easing into 2013 i’ve been moving slowly, adjusting back to work and life and choosing for quiet times at home rather than the rush rush of making it to the gym or to yoga. i’ve made it to the gym this week 2x but not enough to make up for the damage of christmas at home which, according to my fitbit, included 45% less walking that i usually do in the city. i’ve felt guilty for choosing to lay low even though that’s what my body has been craving. it’s winter and i’m a hibernator. i can’t help it.

the guilt then spills over into judgement. i put an article of clothing on and i tell myself that i don’t have the right body type to wear whatever it is and i should go back to the look i sported throughout college which was pretty much men’s xl clothing.

going home and looking through old pictures and cleaning up whatever was left in my closet and dressers in new jersey i came to the realization i spent most of my life wearing a catholic school uniform or men’s clothing.

why did i think that was cute?

it wasn’t cute. but it sure did hide everything i wanted to hide.

as of late i’ve been unearthing clothes in my current closet, putting them on then taking them off realizing they were hidden for a reason. they clung. they hugged. they felt tight.

and when i looked at myself in them i thought about how much work i had cut out for myself.

where did all this come from? i was doing so well with being comfortable in my skin no matter how big or small i am.

argh. stupid magazine with your stupid pictures. i am going to rip you into shreds then burn you.

it’s so easy when you’re down and out to slip into old behaviors. being in limbo, feeling out of sorts and stuck in an in between place that is neither good or awful, an old thought, an old feeling, something familiar floats by and it’s easy to reach out your hand and grab it and put it on like an old friend.

i hate how guilt and self-loathing are so familiar that they are easy to slip back into. it’s much much harder to be confident, to be sure of yourself and who you are. it’s work.

it’s easy to wear men’s baggy clothing and hide.

this kind of nebulous wallowing confusion i’ve been having this week ends today.

this doesn’t mean i’m setting goals to GYM EVERYDAY! QUNIOA EVERYDAY! ICE CREAM BAD, OATMEAL GOOD! this is not a new years resolution to lose 10 lbs fast, change my pant size fast, lose my belly fat fast!

it means that i’m going to make a decision to lay low when i need to and not feel bad, to go to the gym if i want to and not feel obligated, to wear those items at the back of the closet that have not seen the light of day because god forbid it makes me look like the before picture of a before and after thinspo photo shoot. my resolution is to be more resolute.

also, more tofu bahn mi’s.

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