30 day bikram challenge, day 29: there doesn’t have to be a reason

i felt ok going into class. i checked the schedule before leaving work and saw that julia wasn’t teaching as usual but felt ok about it. made my way there. changed. watched the drippy wet people leave a steaming hot 4:30 PM class. stepped into the hotbox. laid down. almost fell asleep.

class started and the room was packed to the gills. we were all pretty much soaking wet after first set of pranayama. i felt ok despite the heat. i was quite surprised how nonplussed i felt about the heat. usually my brain would be all over the place complaining about how awful it was but it was pretty quiet despite the close quarters and the suffocating humidity.

something happened after half moon though where it all fell apart.

i did the postures like everything was hunky dory. my body was doing it’s thing and my half moon was pretty great, my backbends were expansive. it wasn’t until the balancing series started that i had realized my face wasn’t just dripping with sweat but with something saltier.

my eyes were red and when i noticed that in the front mirror (i was further back in the classroom than usual) it all fell apart. that tingling sensation that starts behind the eyes, the back of the throat. i had been crying. i was crying. it was happening. and when i noticed what was happening i started to cry even more. i felt it, full force, a giant wave of it wanting to break on through. i clenched my throat and bit my bottom quivering lip. i wiped the tears and sweat. i grabbed my foot in standing head to knee and kept going as my brain tried to identify what was going on. i went through my check list.

is it because it’s too hot? no. it’s hot but that doesn’t seem to be bothering me.

is it because it’s too crowded? not really. i don’t seem to be annoyed currently with my surrounding practitioners.

am i in pain? does something hurt? no.

am i dehydrated? no.

did i eat something questionable? is my stomach disturbed? no.

i was stumped. those were all the things that usually made me feel shitty in class. i had no idea why i felt so sad and so distraught. i did feel angry a bit. the teacher kept talking about being honest with yourself during the balancing series and i know she was just trying to be motivating but it got under my skin. if i’m being 100% honest with myself i know that i need to back off if i’m not breathing and it’s really hard to keep breathing through your nose only when there are sobs stuck inside making you blubber snot all over the place. i kept moving through the postures every once in awhile clenching my face and biting my lip when i felt like my sadness would become audible. i didn’t want to be this quivering mess when i had no explanation for it whatsoever. standing bow. tuladandasana. triangle. i made my way through the standing series, my body on autopilot, my brain simply confused as to what was going on. i still have no idea what was making me lose my shit.

i crapped out of tree pose. my body had finally had it and i couldn’t even stand there and hold my foot. i laid down for savasana while the rest of class did toe stand. all i could think was, “the one thing that is keeping me together is making me fall apart.”

my body proceeded to participate in class and moved through the floor series. i became a snot machine as i held back tears. i blew my nose into my hand towel as a last resort and needed to remind myself i really shouldn’t wipe my face with it from this point forward lest i want to cover myself with my own boogers. this made me even sadder. i nearly lost my shit in camel. when i came up from the backbend instead of feeling dizzy and euphoric i felt nauseous and defeated.

i had thought about leaving the room to sit in the lobby and cry. i didn’t though. i pushed on through, the lights were turned off for final savasana i covered my face with my forearms and let some of it out. it was easier to cry with the lights off.

when i finally got up the peeps who are early for the 8PM class were there to stake their favorite spots in the room. 2 people stood next to me like they were waiting for me to evacuate their coveted spot. for some reason this only made me move slower. i rolled my mat up and took the time to fold my towel. i stopped to drink some water inbetween these tasks. i wanted to say something really yogi obnoxious about ‘attachment’ and how it doesn’t matter what the rumors are about which spots are the coolest, the whole room is hot and there is no escape. i didn’t though. i just took my time.

i splashed some cold water on my face in the bathroom and cried some more. i didn’t realize how red my eyes were. ugh. there was no hiding this. from anybody.

as i changed in the locker room i listened to some regulars and some of the teachers who took the class talk about how hot it was. i looked around. everyone was completely drenched trying to remove wet clothing.

sometimes one of the most difficult things in the world is removing a wet sports bra and tank top. especially when they’re tight to begin with. it always makes me think about removing an unforgiving wet suit.

i walked home slowly still not sure what had happened. my brain tried to attach meaning to the sadness but every label, every story,every explanation it came up with didn’t feel like the truth. i got home, the dr. took my backpack and i sniffled. he held me. i cried a little bit more. i apologized. i can’t help but apologize when i’m crying. no one likes crying people. he gentle told me to hush and when i noted i had no idea why he told me there doesn’t have to be a reason.

i threw my wet stuff everywhere out to dry and took a shower. we had dinner. i felt better. i still have no idea where it all came from but it seems to be all out of me. and now i feel like a wrung out wet towel going through the rough phase of unraveling. i’m going to crawl into bed. tomorrow is day 30. i should be well rested to celebrate.

day 29: liza, 6:30 PM

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