30 day bikram challenge, day 23 in which i get hit by the yoga truck

you can go with this or you can go with that

i didn’t want to go to class yesterday but the idea of going to 2 doubles this weekend was not appealing so i trudged to the studio and found the gate to the building shut on the Valencia side oddly enough and thought to myself as i rounded the corner that if the mission st. side is shut too then it’s a sign that there is a god and it loves me.

no such luck. mission st. gate was open so i went up the stairs only to find the door to the studio locked.

maybe this is a test.

my brain went back and forth on whether to wait or to leave. i was obnoxiously early (i always am) but the studio was usually open all day and i’ve never encountered the door locked before.

i sat on the steps and waited.

the dr. got me a new kindle and pointed me in the direction of the kindle app. so i can pick up where i’ve left off if i don’t have my kindle with me. (genius!) i read and waited and some dude in sweatpants i’ve never seen before came up the steps and opened the door. 4:30PM class was going on. a girl i’ve onky seen at the studio once before was working the front desk and she checked me in and i went into the locker room to change and chill out prior to class.

i got into the hotbox once it had emptied out from 4:30 class and plopped myself down on my mat and towel hating life. i hated everything at that moment. the heat. the smell. my body. the way i felt. i tried to shut it off as i laid there. i was annoyed that the girl laying next to me was in a tube top. i was annoyed at how sore i was from my structural integration session with karen the night before. we worked on a lot of leg and hip stuff and everything felt different. which i guess is the point of these sessions. my hips were more free and karen helped break up some fascial lines that had formed my habit of turning my feet out, rolling my thighs out, etc. my right leg was especially problematic. this entire time i had been blaming my left leg for all of my woes. my left leg is weak because my left hip is tight which was this story i had made up my mind was true. my left leg needs all the work. she spent more time on my right though because my right leg was doing so much more work than my left and had gotten caught up in these patterns. while i felt great (although sore) after my session i felt off the next day and then when class started i felt even more off, like i had a new body i needed to get used to. my balance sucked. new muscles i never knew existed were not happy to be working and my joints, especially my ankles and knees felt wobbly.

i sat out a lot of poses as well as fell out of a lot of poses. i felt like i was at week one all over again.

i half-assed the floor series and during final savasana felt tears well up a bit not sure if it was because i was in pain, or if i was cranky or if it was because i felt like i didn’t work hard enough in class and this was why nothing was going to change.

as i hobbled home the sky had started to spit rain and i wanted it to pour down. it would be the perfect accessory to my misery.

it didn’t.

i don’t live very far from the studio but it took me a long time to limp home half broken.

i am so hard on myself. i let it consume me in savasana. i said every awful thing i could think of to myself. i chose to let myself get caught up in the drama, the story, the one i created in my brain about how awful i am at everything.

i chose to punish myself for not feeling well instead of choosing to take care of myself and let myself off the hook because fucking bikram is hard and doing 30 days of it in a row is not a piece of cake.

i got home and the dr. was sitting at the top of the steps waiting for me. it had taken me 7 minutes longer than usual to get home. he took my backpack from me. he will never know how grateful i am for how gentle he is with me after an awful day. he had made dinner. i sat and ate and felt a lot better before stumbling to bed deciding to change my 6AM class to a 6:30PM class so i could get some rest in before getting back into the hotbox.

i guess i had been waiting on when the tears would start. day 23. day 23 is when the meltdown happened. here’s hoping to a better class tonight. monika’s enthusiasm tonight will help.

day 23: jay, 6:30 PM

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