party of one

every time i find myself with more than one social obligation in a week i start to want to retreat.

i don’t really know what it is but the moment i have several invitations to gatherings and parties and events and things the more tired i become at simply entertaining the ideas.

the invitations are from people i love and adore and like spending time with but somehow my insides get all weird and oogey the more time and attention people want from me the more protective i am of my down time.

i don’t know what it is or why. i think about it and i simply can’t figure out this need to retreat into my shell.

i try to put time into the context of how sadia described it to me. my time at work is my time that i’ve decided to dedicate to making money. my time at the gym is the time i’ve decided to dedicate to building a running routine. my time at the yoga studio is the time i’ve dedicated to bringing me back to homeostasis. it’s all my time and it’s all my choice though sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, i remind myself that it’s always a choice.

the time i spend with friends is the time i dedicate to my relationships with people i love.

i think i just need to remember that my current relationships with people have changed over the years. i am no longer friends with people who are emotional vampires so i no longer need to worry about being sucked into drama that is not mine so i no longer need to steel myself when someone wants a chunk of my time.

all this old stuff, all these leftovers, these residuals from past experiences are really difficult to let go of and work through. i’m doing the work though. i’m conscious of my behavior and i think all the time about the whys of what i do.

the dr. and i have randomly talked lately about babies and the idea of having them.

i’ve gone through most of my life convinced i was meant to me a party of one. i was sure that my weird insular nature would keep me separate from the human race and i was destined to be a lovable yet lonely weirdo.

then i met the dr. and we’ve done so well at being a party of two that i can’t imagine what would happen if we weren’t a party of two anymore.

and i guess that’s what i wonder about these days. if there will be a time that i dedicate to taking care of someone in the highest sense possible and will it make me feel like i want to retreat?

when i ask myself this question the answer is usually, probably not.

but the idea of…what if i do? that’s what makes me nervous.

but then again, i over think a lot of things.

look at this blog. it’s living testament to over thinking what to have for dinner or what shoes to wear.

i’m crazy.


1 Response to “party of one”

  1. 1 Alicia September 20, 2012 at 6:10 pm

    For what it’s worth, most of your time will become your child’s time. It just works out that way, especially the first few years. Eventually, you will want to start to find yourself again, not the you you used to be, but the new you, the ever-changing you, the you-after-child. You will slowly gain back some of your time. Will you sometimes get angry you don’t have the time you used to? Yes, you will. And that’s OK. Every day is a learning experience, whether you have a child or not. Getting to see things again for the first time through your kid’s eyes is a miracle though. It really is. Ask me again in 10 years when my kid is a raving, maniacal teenager, and my answer may be different. For now, know that your feelings are not strange, and it’s OK to be scared.

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September 2012
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  • cutting the necks and shortening all the sleeves on every t-shirt i own means i will have an endless supply of Flashdance tops. 1 day ago



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