it’s over

it's over

i barely made it.

but i went to bi-rite after clinic this morning and plucked a raspberry from the closest basket right at the entrance to the store and put it in my mouth.

it was better than anything i had ever tasted. it was better than any cupcake, any chocolate bar any ice cream. i ate another. and another.

and then i put the quickly dwindling basket into my cart along with a quart of strawberries to boot.

i wonder if my body has been craving vitamin c.  i wondered if i could possibly have scurvy.

do people get scurvy anymore?  no. they can’t.  can they?

i made my way through the store.

shitakes.

broccolini.

baby lettuces.

lemon cucumber.

tofu.

butter beans.

dry farmed tomatos.

the check out line is always long at bi-rite, especially on a weekends and the line is right next to the wall of various local and exotic chocolates and caramels.

i shoved more berries in my mouth as i waited and gave the deli dude a smile as he offered samples of pesto mashed potatoes to people who were waiting in line.

it’s  always easy to say no to the mashed potato samples because i know they aren’t vegan.

i got home and while i roasted some brussels sprouts and pressed some tofu for lunch i snacked on more berries. clinic was good but i was grateful to be let go early as my last client was a weightlifter and i was spent by the time our session was done. the dude had fallen asleep on the table and i was drenched in sweat like i had just jumped rope for 500 hours.

tonight i requested dinner at cha-ya for the curry udon soup that i’ve been dreaming about. today i’m smoking some tempeh and a tofurkey sausage to add to my salads for lunch this week.

i’ve never been happier that fruit is back in my life. i’m sticking to low glycemic index fruits and adding beans back into rotation which gives the part of me that is somewhat wary of high soy intake much relief. also considering adding quinoa back to the mix later this week or next. breads, pastas and other grains are still off the table along with sugar not in the form of berries or cherries.  carrots, peas, corn and potatoes are still out as well.  i’m not heartbroken over it though.  just as long as i can keep my raspberries i’ll be fine.

all in all, 2 weeks, 20g of carbs or less each day summed up to 8 lbs lost.  i still have mixed feelings about ketogenic diets.  i’m still not 100% comfortable with them because i will always believe that eating a piece of fruit over a steak is better for you but i can’t deny the results.  it’s a quick way to lose some pounds if you can make it through the first couple of days where you’re weak, irritable and all around fucked up.  i really hated not having enough energy to make it to yoga or the gym as often as i wanted to.  i would sign up for a class online and then cancel it at the end of the day because i wasn’t sure if i was going to make the walk home from BART much less an hour and a half of vinyasa.  i’m looking forward to feeling more adequately fueled to take on more vinyasa classes this week.

yesterday, i typed into little memory, the app. i’ve been using to do quick daily recaps:

dieting makes me hate myself.

it made me think about why i do this. a part of me feels like i do this because i feel like there is something wrong with me.  i’ve owned this problem for awhile.  i know that this is something i need to work on.  i know that i don’t always feel like this but the times i do…i feel even worse because i know this is not true and i am better than this self-loathing.  it’s a trait i find completely unattractive in people.  when i see it in myself i want to punch myself in the face.

then there’s the part of me that feels like i do this for the opposite reason.  because i love myself and in doing so i love my body and i want it to function as best as possible.

somedays i’m not sure what my intention is.

there are days though where you ask yourself why food causes you to have this existential ‘do i hate myself or love myself?’ dilema and your brain explodes in the middle of valencia st. as your boyfriend asks you what you want for dinner and you start to freak out because you don’t know what the right answer is.

clue:  there is no right answer.

still working through the food mire, making my way out, one berry at a time.

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