easier

i like surprises. i do. i may over think them when presented with them but at the end of the day i’m always thrilled with surprises, especially when they end with bourbon and sea salt molten chocolate cake and a number of cocktails.

millennium is the only restaurant where i’ll have 2-3 cocktails and demand that my overcrowded stomach make room for dessert AND chai at the end of the meal.

my friends and the dr. are amazing and i am forever grateful for all of them.

there was this period after school ended where i felt like i could take a deep breath and just not do anything for awhile. i did that in june and then in the middle of this unwinding and doing nothing i started to think… hmmm, what happens now? do i see people? who do i see? what do my friends even do these days? i have no idea.

a friend posted this article recently and to tell you the truth i haven’t read it yet but all i could think of is…yeah, it’s hard. and weird.

if you’re not immersed in the friendships you built in college and in your 20s…what do you do?

when i started the bwt program early this year i was in the middle of an existential friend crisis that i would talk to sampson about. it had actually been happening for awhile. i found myself unable to relate to my group of friends as wide and varied as they are. my need to go out and do things had been in a steady decline over the years. the first to go was my need to go to bars to socialize. the second to go was my need to go out after the sun had gone down. the third to go were house parties. all forms of socializing that had been the norm slowly but surely melted into:

why. everything i need and want is at home.

i remember explaining to sampson my need to find people who were in the same head space as i was. i hated feeling the pressure to go out and felt no need to relive any past glory days of drinking and dancing and all that other stuff. i remember a good chunk of those years and think they’re fun to recall but no longer fun to do.

and then i fell in love with my bwt class. we were all varied in ages but we were all mostly on the same page and i think we were all sorta looking for something similar. a group we could share our existential life crises’ with. we were full of divorces, marriages and pregnancies. we were all facing the fact that we were in the middle of a huge life change in the form of career change or we were looking or the much needed to boost to improve or bolster our careers to the next level. we felt mostly work and not enough play but ultimately felt like work shouldn’t feel like work but should feel like play.

this made me feel a lot better about things. as someone who is always doubting her life choices, it felt good to know i wasn’t the only one in flux.

i try to think about what to do to get the most out of each day and i realize how difficult it is to live each day like it was your last. how do i make the most of my days at my office job? how to make all this paperwork feel meaningful? i tell myself that i do these things because if i don’t no one else will and if i do it to the best of my ability then it will make me look good and people will like me and i’ll get praise and more money. these things are true and do work but how much does that mean to me? more money always means a lot to me. it gives hard and tangible value to my time and efforts. that and it helps me pay my bills.

i had a mini breakdown about bills yesterday when i realized it was a never ending cycle. i get a promotion. i get a raise. i think i’m finally at a decent spot with money and then some dental procedure comes my way that slaps me in the face and i’m landing back in the fighting pit wrestling with finances.

i understand that money comes and money goes. that’s the way it works. i get it. i have every right to get frustrated though when i see it start to go. there will always be some sort of medical bill, some dental procedure…

why is fucking living so expensive?

i asked the dr. as i fell apart in his arms.

then i took a deep breath and he finished making me dinner and i sat next to him on the couch and realized things were going to be ok. i have this breakdown every couple of months when i get slapped with a large bill that feels daunting. i need to remember i weather each one as it comes pretty well.

friends make it easier. old and new.

i came out of the bwt program on shaky ground sorta feeling out of it and instantaneously missing my classmates but realized this past weekend that my old friends were waiting for me at the end of it all and that while i’m no longer out at the bars and parties with them on saturday nights they still like hanging out with me despite my disappearances due to school madness.

i need to remember that this support group is there for me when i need it and exists not only in this city but worldwide. shanee will be here soon. i chatted with josh for the first time in quite some time. i’ve got highschool friends back east who remind me that they miss me too. it’s all good. i’m not alone no matter how socially dysfunctional i feel.

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