Imageas i feel myself slipping into an older version of me from previous years  i’ve realized how much i need my meditation and yoga practice.

after 2-3 weeks of no yoga or meditation due to letting life drown me in its crap i found myself crumbling over nothing.  

walking home from BART Florence and the Machine’s ‘Shake it Out’ came on shuffle and i got sniffly and teary eyed.  i passed tartine on the way home and for a moment contemplated a butter filled solution before i turned away despondent and heavy.  butter doesn’t solve anything.  i need more than a temporary fix, more than a flaky non-vegan pastry that would only make me feel good for a second before it would wreck havoc on my insides.  

i got home and climbed the steps where the dr. stood waiting for me.  i like how he comes to meet me when he hears me come home.  he opened his arms and i collapsed and sniffled and he asked in wonderment what was wrong.

oh you know.  stuff.

life stuff, the non-important life stuff that makes you tear out your hair because you know it’s not important but you get worked up anyway. i crumpled to the floor of the office into child’s pose and sobbed for a bit.

god, i’m so dramatic.

the dr. deals with me so well.  he doesn’t crowd me and coo and over do it when i get this way.  he hugs me, lets me know that i’m not fat or stupid or crazy and then he lets me just cry it out. he doesn’t get weird about it.  all my previous boyfriends always got freaked out, no one knew how to handle a crying girl and they were either assholes about it or they bailed because they didn’t know how to be around it.  the dr. just lets it be, doesn’t get weird, doesn’t read into it and when i’m done with my spell of it we resume conversation like normal and it passes on in the way i need it too.  when i get this way i need to get it out of me and i need to move forward, let it go and i feel better.  i can’t get bogged down with too much talking, analyzing or babying or i’m bound to wallow in it.  i find that i wallow a lot less because the dr. lets me have these moments and he sticks around for them with just enough care that i feel safe.  i can have this breakdown without worrying how he’ll react to it. 

i rolled to my side after it was over and he brought out the ipad, laid next to me and we looked at photos of waterfalls at Yosemite and i felt better.  we gathered ourselves and met Tris and Malinda at their new place in Glen Park for dinner and had a lovely time with friends.  I was grateful for the ride home so I could crawl into bed at a reasonable hour so i could read until an unreasonable hour.  i don’t know how many nights i’ve fallen asleep with a book in my hand.  

i’ve had weird dreams that have ranged from game of thrones themed adventures to riding bikes with horses. 

this weekend is craniosacral weekend and i wonder what strange energies that will bring. 

i can’t wait to live in a tent for a week.

2 Responses to “yosemite”

  1. 1 rob campbell May 4, 2012 at 10:44 pm

    When natural history chooses you to embrace,
    you might feel it as a cold chill
    Microfiber, silk, wool. They won’t insulate you from the truth of granite nor time
    The chill could be heat, a shortness of breath or nagging flies
    The dreams in empty places are the most honest
    It is no longer possible to deceive when you are millions of lifetimes old
    Sunrises and sunsets look the same because they are the same
    Pink and orange stardust smeared like eyeshadow for halfdome’s portrait session

  2. 2 yettosayido May 5, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    This post made me feel a quiet, peaceful sense of deep rooted happiness for you, and also made me appreciate the man in my life too…we are lucky girls who have even luckier men in our lives who know what to say and not to say, and let’s us get the bad out when we are fighting it.
    Thank you…have a really happy & relaxing weekend. You’ll be in my thoughts.

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May 2012
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