good morning.

i can’t keep my eyes open this morning and my brain is fuzzed over with something that feels like a cross between starburst and cotton candy.  it’s an awful sticky mess in there. i’m not blaming the 3 glasses of champagne after class.  it’s just the state of my life lately.  i’m treading water. i’m working hard just to stay afloat.  i remember when i first learned to tread water my first thought was how much more exhausting it was than actually swimming.  this coupled with the fact that you weren’t really going anywhere, just working to keep yourself from drowning, made me realize how much i disliked treading water.  so much work for nothing.

that is, if you consider non forward motion doing nothing.

change of perspective.  it’s something i need.  my attitude lately has been, “just do enough to keep yourself sane.” though my entire being is wanting to either completely stop and rest for a couple of days or push through the malaise, be uber agressive, like MMA agressive about work and school and kick this funk in the teeth.

and i really wished i had it in me right now to attack my task list like a crazed meth addict but i just can’t do it. trying to find balance is hard and sometimes i wonder if it’s just not in my nature. i feel like that can’t be true as it was proven in class last night that my balance was pretty good as i stood on john’s balance board/squishy thing.  i found my center pretty easy and was able to maintain it.

i dunno.  this is the lack of sleep talking.  it’s weird.  sometimes i get 4-5 hours and i’m fine the next day. sometimes i’m a complete zombie and no amount of legal drugs can keep me awake.  coffee.  you are useless to me.

i’m feeling antsy since almost every square block in my april calendar is filled with 2-3 things and you know how i can’t handle being that busy.  i start freaking out about when i’ll find time to shower or go to the gym, two things i need to do MORE of these days.

maybe this oral surgery next friday is a godsend.  getting a wisdom tooth pulled the morning of 4/20 may just be what i need.  a time out from life.  and some vicodin.


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April 2012
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