closer

“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

it’s been a slow journey into figuring out what’s going on in my head and an even slower a journey figuring out what’s going on with my body. at some point in my life i disconnected the two and put the brain in charge. here, you seem to know better, take the reigns.

and from that point forward my brain told my body what to eat, how to move, and to shut up when it wanted something more than what my brain could provide at the moment. are you sore? do you hurt? too bad, i’m going to the gym anyway. are you tired? do you need more sleep? our job is more important so you’ll have to deal.

my body became the victim of an abusive relationship.

trying to mend again to become a whole being has been difficult. learning to coax information out of my body, listening to how it feels, what it needs and what it wants has been hard. it’s voice is tiny, quiet and unsure.

until lately.

enter: left hip craziness.

something definitely woke up in my left hip from last year’s psoas awakening. some portal to another dimension opened during dr. eric’s trigger point workshop and instead of rainbows and unicorns all sorts of evil bats and monsters came out. unidentifiable. strange and sad and angry. i had no idea that someone could anchor and stretch a muscle and have such a reaction. there’s stuff in there. not in everyone. people have perfectly happy psoas’. not mine.

it’s like my left psoas was the angry voice my body never had.

the right psoas? twitchy and weird but not as bad. it felt like a yippy little chihuahua as compared to the rabid pitbull with an unfortunate childhood on the left. the left is like the disturbed kid who who carries a knife in his pocket and a gun in his locker and the right is the kid whose parents love him, he gets straight A’s but he listens to a lot of death metal.

now that you have a more accurate description of both my psoas…

after having work done on both, i felt taller and more free. i felt physically more upright. i was walking differently. my hips were moving in new ways.

my brain was more messy.

i was more emotional and more agitated. i wanted to identify and catalog what was going on so i could come to a logical conclusion to what had happened and why my left was so mad. i wanted to give it a story so i could file it away and move on.

of course, this just led me nowhere closer to what was truly happening.

and i may never really know what’s truly happening and i’m coming closer and closer to being ok with it.

who cares what the story is. i’ve stopped caring because ultimately, the story doesn’t matter.

fast forward. several months later. i feel back at square one with both psoas except now i’m aware of their existence in my body and what they do for me.

i stretch them in pigeon and other hip openers but they have not spoken to me in months.

i find out this week in deep tissue we’re going into the psoas. nice. i’ve been wanting to have this conversation with my psoas again. i want another break through and i’m eager to figure out more of what’s happening.

not much happens in class though. my psoas is quiet. my teacher comes over and explores my left hip which has been having some tingly sensitive things happening with it. not much comes of that. possible nerve entrapment in the lateral hip. the tingly sometimes painful sensations in the lateral and anterior hip translate into low back twangy-ness. this is my professional dialogue i have with myself. i write these words down to describe how my left hip feels.

when i lie down on my back my sacrum and low back ache and it feels a little burn-y. when i lie face down the front of my hip feels like tiny firecrackers go off and my back around L5 and S1 feel twangy and a little screamy.

i walk around and sit down and go about my days and the hip is ok in most positions with the exception of lying down. i am grateful i am mostly a side sleeper who sometimes rolls onto the back.

and when i roll onto by back i wake up due to the twangy and roll to the other side.

this, coupled with glued scapulae that don’t like to move and intercostals and scalenes that strain from breathing (hello, even more reasoning to get the breast reduction of my dreams) and tight extensors on my right forearm from computer and mouse use i feel a bit of a mess.

after a month of recovering from the chest and head cold of my nightmares i have come out of the fog amazed, wide eyed and confused by all the things that hurt.

being made aware of what is going on in my body is like realizing the years of abuse and neglect. couple this with the exhaustion of school and work which fuels the lack of motivation to get to the gym has made me feel at a loss on what to do. i cannot seem to take care of myself in the ways i used to. things have changed. i’m no longer shaming myself into going to the gym at 5AM every day because i want to be a size 6 and i’m slowly moving towards the healthier viewpoint of wanting to go to the gym because i want to feel good. its a very hard negotiation for me so i’m erring on the side of not going. i’m also just strapped for time. it sounds like an excuse but it’s also a reality for me currently. if i didn’t need to sleep then maybe i could get it all in. my priorities have been my work and my study as well as working on finding a balance when it comes to mediating the constant fighting between my brain and my body.

i need both but my brain needs to take a backseat these days because it lives in this body and if it doesn’t let the body do its thing, the whole system will collapse.

in letting all of this blabber come out the only solution i see currently is setting some time aside after work or class for movement at home (since the gym feels like an elaborate thing that takes up more time that i simply just don’t have right now), most likely yoga and meditation. start small. 20 minutes. nothing big. it doesn’t have to be special. it’s just me and a room. nothing else to distract and no fancy gadgets or heart rate monitors, iphone apps or podcasts to tell me what to do. just finding that quiet place so i can really listen and maybe my body will tell me what it needs.

i think it’s finally starting to open up more now that i’m feeding it well and not eating a cliff bar and calling it a day or eating ice cream for breakfast (in my defense, i only ate 1/2 a pint of cappuccino coconut bliss one morning because it was the only thing in the house at the moment, this has not been repeated since).

i just need to take the next step.

i also need to have this left hip business looked at.  i’ve been trying to self diagnose but what do i know? i’ve thought of all sorts of things that could be wrong but haven’t had anyone identify it really.  tight QL, tight rec. fem. we already know my psoas is sad and depressed.  during a class break this weekend  i spoke to dr. eric and explained what’s happening and it looks like my left ilium is anteriorly rotated (as opposed to just tilted). this explains the low back pain as the sacroiliac joint is out of whack.  an appointment with eric is in my near future.  not just because he’s good at the technical aspect of what he does but because what he does energetically can point me in the right direction of moving closer to whatever painful things are hiding there no matter how scary whatever comes out of it can be.  and maybe nothing may come of it.  i think i can live with that.  i’m just relieved that i’m at a point in my life where i can start walking towards the things that are uncomfortable and not duck and cover or completely shut down when things get painful.

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1 Response to “closer”


  1. 1 impotence curing November 25, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    You’ve impressed us all with that posting!


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