happy

i’m at a point in my life where i never thought i’d be.

i’m not independently wealthy.

i’m not society’s ideal weight.

i’m not famous.

i’m still socially awkward,i still dress like someone who can’t decide if they’re 13 or 35 and i still find escalators stressful.

but i’m happy.

i had started thinking about this happiness business last year when paul had asked me if I thought I would ever really, truly be happy.  it was the most depressing question in the world because i had thought i was happy.  i had thought i was pretty ok but in really examining my life, i wasn’t sure. i didn’t know and i was staring down the line of a long and lonely road of always being worried that i was never going to amount to anything because my happiness was completely dependent on being this made up ideal of thin/carefree/glamorous/socialite/put-together person that wasn’t me.

everything i was doing was to be everything i wasn’t because everything i was…wasn’t ever going to be good enough.

i set an impossible fantasy standard on myself that degraded and made fun of and put down everything i currently was.

things started to shift when i realized that if i wanted to really be happy i needed to really be happy with who i really am and that who i really am is a really awesome person.

it’s really easy to say you think you’re awesome.

it’s much more difficult to believe it and act like you are.

it’s easy to say hey, yeah, i love myself but it’s much more difficult to treat yourself like you do.

it’s a constant practice but it gets easier.

and each day i get better and better and making these small decisions that are in tune with what i’m trying to do, which is treat myself better because i deserve it.

undoing a lifetime’s worth of ‘work hard because you’re not good enough and don’t celebrate your success because then you’ll look boastful‘ is difficult.

but it’s possible.

i want to email paul even though it’s been forever since he asked me that question and say yes.

yes i do think i can be really happy.  because i’m really happy now and i’m 100% sure of it.

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