phases

it seems that i’m entering a different phase of this whole thing.

after my oral surgery over a week ago i entered complete vicodin haze sloth mode.  it wasn’t horrendously painful.  i just like vicodin. so i took it because i had permission to.  i gave myself permission to sleep 12 hours a night with 2 2-hour naps a day.  i slept more in one three day weekend than i had the entire month of  december.  it was glorious.

and then i had to go to work.

this made me cranky.  i did what i needed to do but i was kicking and screaming the entire way.  i was just irritated.  i wanted more laziness.  i wanted more chocolate pudding.  i wanted more vicodin haze.  it all hit me wed night when i left sampson’s early because i just didn’t want to talk about it.  i didn’t want to talk to anyone.  i wanted to lay around the house bra-less watching old episodes of top chef while the boyfriend fed me soup.

it hit me that the time i spent lollying about after getting a tooth pulled i wasn’t required to do anything at all.

nothing.

i was expected to do absolutely nothing.

and this feeling was liberating.  i felt my brain get worked up thinking i could go to the gym or yoga but my body was wise enough to override it.

operating heavy machinery was on the no-no list from the dr.  eliptical trainers are heavy pieces of machinery.  and considering i tried to use my drivers license as a credit card at the grocery store on the way home from surgery was a sign that i wasn’t fit to be in public for a couple of days.

so i laid about and for the first time, did not feel bad or guilty about it at all.  it was a relief.  i could sleep as much as i wanted.  do whatever i wanted and for the first time that chiding condescending voice in my head that called me lazy the moment i think about getting 8 hours of sleep, sorta just shut itself up for a minute.

i think this is what real rest is and i think i finally got some.  it was better than a 3 week vacation.  i reveled in not leaving the house, not talking to people and not feeling guilty for any of it.

to have that change tuesday morning was awful.  thus, the crank.  ugh. work. people.  expectations.  THINGS TO DO.  nightmare.

needless to say i got over it.  friday night i got home from work after a short stint at the gym and thanked the beings that be for the rain.

i entertained the idea of going to bikram in the morning for about 20 minutes.  yeah.  didn’t happen.  i didn’t feel bad.

i did end up going sunday morning.  without complaint or hesitation i got up at 7:30 in the morning and made my way to bikram and struggled through a sweaty class and paid close attention to the parts that were the hardest.  i walked home and showered and ate a bowl of rice, avocado and chickpeas and felt the most normal i had in ages.  at 12:30 i made my way down valencia to yoga tree for a 3 hour restorative workshop and while i thought i’d be bored by 3 hours of restorative, it went by faster than i anticipated, i fell asleep once and walked out feeling even better than normal.

i felt fantastic.

it hit me that these are the little steps towards making decisions to do things you want to do not things you think you should do.

it’s not a big thing, there is no big revelation on how this works like i had thought it would be.  i was doing things i wanted to do and there was no trace of malice, anger or fear attached to any of these things.  i ate a peanut butter cup and didn’t internally berate myself on how i don’t know how to take care of myself.  i went to bikram without thinking ‘if i keep doing this i’ll go down a pant size.’ i lolled around in blankets, bolster pillows and sandbags with a whole room full of people and didn’t once think ‘ doing this makes me a better person’.

i had the best sunday in the world.  it made waking up to a torrential downpour this morning a lot easier.

it helps that my new rain boots came in friday as well.

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