Middle Ridge

Middle Ridge

i feel like i’m running a marathon and as i reach the 1/2 way point someone keeps extending the race.

so i slowed things down a bit so i could reserve some energy to make sure i make it to the end but my basic nature really did not like that.

it took more energy to slow myself down than it would have to just keep going for broke.

but it’s practice. i need to practice. you can’t always be on top of everything all the time. no one is that good no matter how often you think that there are people out there doing more and being more and all around beating you at the game of life…

it’s simply not true. and it’s all about perspective.

i’ve been working long days. the moment school ended and i got a breather, work exploded all over my life and it’s been non-stop. i didn’t mind a whole lot since i didn’t necessarily want to slow down even though i know i need to. i did ok for a bit.

and like most things.

you’re okay until you’re not. and when you’re not, it’s pretty bad.

after day 5 of getting up at 6AM to open the office and try to catch up with work i sorta had a meltdown.

i was pretty happy that it wasn’t massive. it lasted all of 2 minutes. sniffle sniffle, hiccup, tissue.

and then i was pretty much ok despite feeling overwhelmed. i let myself be overwhelmed and went for a walk to disperse some of that energy.

and like someone who never learns her lesson i opened the office again at 6:45AM because i have this need to be on top of things no matter how detrimental it may be to my health.

it’s all this push pull when it comes to practicing taking care of myself. it often feels like i’m fighting myself. maybe because i am. trying to change the person you’ve been for 35 years is ridiculously hard.

last week sampson pointed out something i’ve known my entire life but refused to recognize or admit.

i judge myself based on how much i’m doing, how helpful i am to others and how useful i feel. if i’m not being useful or working towards something or working for someone i don’t feel like i hold any worth.

simply existing isn’t enough for me.

at some point early on in my life someone or something told me that if i’m not working or striving or struggling or doing then there is no point for me to be around.

it’s been hanging heavy on me the past couple of days because i know its true and because it makes me sad. recognizing change needs to happen is one thing, actively changing is another. my work is in the not-working, my job is to not-do. my homework is to do nothing one evening a week and see how that makes me feel and if it makes me feel uncomfortable then i need to sit with that and work my way through it.

i lost the energy last night to go to yoga and ended up pulling up Jonathan’s old mp3 I have of his meditation vinyasa cd he put out years ago and i was reminded of why i fell in love with his teaching style.

holding yourself in uncomfortable physical positions for long periods of time make you think about how you handle the discomfort. do you check out? do you leave your brain? do you struggle? do you fight? or do you sit in the middle of that pain and think:

“hmmm. this is interesting.”

i’ve been struggling with slowing down. people don’t seem to understand how torturous it was for me to get my 2012 planner and not start putting things in it now. i’m always wanting to be 5 steps ahead of myself.

and when i’m doing that i’m completely missing where i am now and how it feels to be me, today, in these clothes, in this chair, in this space doing whatever it is i am doing.

this is why time is going by so fast. this is why i don’t remember what happened in October or how it came to be November 1st today.

while it feels all sorts of wrong to take a lunch break and go to the gym for an hour today when i’m knee deep in paperwork, i need to.

in other news, i forgot my mom was going to be in the Philippines and i sent her flowers via Fedex and they’re probably sitting on the front porch of the house in new jersey withering away unless the cold and snow preserve them until she returns.


1 Response to “Middle Ridge”

  1. 1 Rory November 4, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    Letting yourself be is the hardest task of all… I always feel if I am not succeeding on all levels then I am succeeding on none. It’s not a way to live. Sometimes you just have to watch bad TV and cuddle

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November 2011
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