plan

 i lost time since my last saturday class.  enough time that i didn’t realize i have class again this saturday and my project is due and i have not worked on it…at all.

my shoulder joint made out of sculpey lies in pieces in a baking dish under my desk.  i completed my scapula, humerus, clavical and acromion and coracoid processes along with all the rotator cuff muscles.  i need to make my ligaments and put the whole thing together AND write my paper AND prepare my presentation.

not realizing this until  11PM last night…sucked.

with class tue and thursday and sampson on wed nights this leaves me with monday and friday evenings to finish this which interferes with my lofty yoga plans.

i spent this morning debating about going to either bikram or vinyasa.  i brought my bikram stuff with me sure i would make it tonight but i’m now realizing i should probably go home,  work on my project and make dinner for my sweetheart who has spent the last couple of months taking care of me in my frenzied work/school state.

and when i say i should, it doesn’t mean i feel burdened, i just feel like i want to do too many things.

i’ve never been good at doing just one thing.

this insane need to do yoga teacher training early next year is proof positive.  all this, ‘strike while the iron is hot!’ vibrating inside of me, ricocheting off the walls of my ribcage, pushing me to just do, do, do.

this rings back to starting my senior year of high school and moving my sister into her college dorm.  i had a hard time thinking of anything else but moving into my own dorm and college.  i always wanted to be a step ahead of wherever i was.

if anything my yoga practice has taught me it’s that i need to sit still and be aware of where i am currently before racing too far into a future that i can’t predict.

the best time to do this is on the muni ride to work.  it’s one of the only times of the day where i feel like my mind can be still and when it starts to move forward or backward i can easily reign it back to the present.  something about the movement of the train helps with this.

there isn’t really anything wrong with wanting all the things i want or  wanting to do all the things and wanting to make a plan and put them on a list.  my problem is focus.  my problem is recognizing what it is i need.  i often find that i don’t know how to define what it is i need.  so i do all these things i want though they may be in conflict with what i need.

my weekend was derailed by a hangover i wasn’t prepared for.  i had no idea i would drink as much as i did at sadia’s birthday party but before you know it the dr. and i are in line at taqueria cancun around midnight.  i guess the problem was we headed to the party sans dinner.

i spent friday night in and out of the bathroom, in and out of restless sleep, wanting to throw up and not being able to.

i hate it when i relive moments of my 20s that i never want to revisit again.

saturday morning was slow going.  as we laid in bed on our respective tiny internet devices i realized that i did not remember the last time we had done just that.  laid around in bed on a saturday morning.  i always had class, yoga or schoolwork to do at the summit.  i was usually up and out of bed by 9 at the latest  and i would tiptoe out of the house so as not to disturb the dr.

despite feeling like someone had kicked me in the face a couple of times, it was pleasant to be snuggled with my boyfriend.  i had planned on going to bikram.  i had planned on getting some homework done.

sometimes things don’t go as planned and that’s ok.

sometimes you need to eat leftover hangover burrito, watch project runway, eat ramen, watch iron man, take a nap, eat french fries and veggie burgers, watch old episodes of project runway and then eat falafel with your brother.

plans sometimes do the ole swithcheroo.  while i should go to yoga and beat myself up in the sweatbox for an hour and a 1/2, i need to go home, make my sweetheart dinner and do the research for my paper due saturday.

actually, i want to.

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