i want to go to there

the dr. and i talking about making hawaii a reality this december and i’ve got my panties in a bunch because i feel like i’ll once again be labeled the black sheep of the family if i do what i want and not what is good for the collective whole.

why is it doing what i want to do a crime?

after all the hard work i’ve done this year, the work the dr. and i did to get to the point we are in our relationship, the stuff i dealt living with someone who turned my home into something that no longer felt like my home, school, work, projects from hell, yoga challenges, diet challenges, all of these things making for an amazing year of growth but also a whole lot of pain.

i. am. tired.

i want to slide off the grid for a week or two and do nothing but get as brown as my ancestry will let me and swim in the ocean.

and i know that i deserve this getaway but this overwhelming sense of responsibility makes me feel like i shouldn’t go. i should just go home. so no one will be mad at me.

in talking to jess over sushi this weekend she pointed out that i used to not go home and i used to be ok with my lot in life as the black sheep.

“what’s the worst that can happen?” she asked.

“their disappointment in me.”

“haven’t you disappointed them in the past? isn’t that sorta how it is?”

“it was,” i answered. “it used to be easier to say fuck you i’m not coming home because i’m mad. or i’m not coming home because i have pink hair and a facial piercing and tattoos and i don’t want you to judge me. these days it’s hard because i’m no longer mad. and i want them to like me.”

i want then to like me.

i want my family to like me. i know they love me but i often feel like they don’t like me very much. if that makes any sense.

so many things have started to shift in the past couple of weeks in both talk therapy and getting a lot of pelvis work done in class all sorts of things are coming up. we all bury stuff somewhere. i seemed to have buried everything in my hips and pelvis. in class last night my tfl, glutes and all the muscles that attach to the pelvic bones basically were sensitive and tender. the same feeling in the back of my throat came when b. was doing some work there last night. the same feeling i had during the deep psoas work. while i didn’t break down into tears something was happening and it felt much more of an energetic release than a muscular one.

though there must have been a muscular one since i’m once again walking different. even more upright, if that’s even possible.

i’ve stuffed so much stuff down there. i’ve swallowed so much of my own feelings and experiences and shoved them deep down inside that they’ve physically manifested themselves into all sorts of dysfunctional soft tissue in my most sensitive underbelly.

i’ve always second guessed and downplayed my own needs and wants because i grew up believing it’s better to put the needs and wants of the collective whole before your own. this worked when i was little. if i did things right, if i did what i was told, i was rewarded and they were happy and that made me happy. there was a reward for good behavior. at a certain point that stopped happening and i realized you needed to reward yourself for your hard work. you are responsible for your own happiness. you need to take care of your own needs and wants because no one else is going to do it for you. this is where it all changed for me and having to unlearn some of this is hard. sure this ‘you are responsible for your own happiness’ is great and true. some of it sure is hard to deal with when you think you’ve got to do all of this alone all the fucking time.

balance. it’s about finding balance.

i guess, like in all things.


1 Response to “i want to go to there”

  1. 1 Alicia September 21, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Three words: Go to Hawaii.

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September 2011
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