working it out

from an email i just wrote:

“when you’re at war with your body it leaves you very little energy to do much else. maybe it’s time to call a peace treaty?

after this year i’m a firm believer that the emotional stuff we hold onto, if we hold onto it long enough and not explore it, not process it, and sorta stuff it down because we don’t want to deal with it, it can becomes a physical manifestation in the form of illness. the most common example is high stress. if you don’t find a way to deal with stress it becomes high blood pressure, it becomes heart palpitations and heart disease, it’s a compromised immune system, it becomes that cold that won’t go away… there’s some emotional stuff that needs to work itself out for your body to relax and regulate.”

after thinking some more about this past weekend and experiencing for the first time this phenomenon i’ve been reading about it’s been reinforcing my belief that if you take care of your emotional being you are also taking care of your physical body. this year the puzzle pieces have been falling into place. i’ve realized i can’t strong arm my emotions. i can’t just tell myself “WELL DON’T FEEL THAT WAY AND YOU’LL FEEL BETTER.” as much as i want to make the decision to not feel bad and have my emotional self listen and follow suit it doesn’t work that way.

i remember laying on the table sunday after breaking out into tears, the whole lot of it pouring out of me without any explanation i found my left brain telling me to reign it in. put it back inside, whatever that was released. make it stop as soon as possible. it’s embarassing. these people are strangers. you’re embarassing yourself. this is unacceptable. much like a scolding parent yelling at their child in public. but there was no stopping it and my emotional self told my brain to shut the fuck up.

if you don’t walk into the shit storm of stuff you usually don’t want to talk about or think about you won’t be able to let it go. i know in the past i’ve always believed that time would heal most of it and there is truth to that. time softens things and makes some things easier to deal with. but what i think has happened with me is that i’ve stuffed this down somewhere and while my brain will forget about it…my body won’t.

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