wounds

par for the course, i go into a weekend workshop with no real expectations and walk out a different person.

after reiki i couldn’t really put it into words.

after trigger point weekend, something that seems so much more concrete, i still can’t put it into words.

this morning i expected to feel as bruised and battered as i did yesterday after two whole days of really intense deep bodywork.  after hours of someone poking and prodding and pinning down your most tender spots to bone until they release one usually feels a bit off.  sure those knots melt and you walk away feeling more freedom of movement but the healing process takes some time to integrate.

last night i was sore and broken in more ways than one.  i had an intense emotional reaction i wasn’t prepared to have when dr. eric was helping jose find my psoas and he pinned it down and i stretched in both directions.  the floodgates opened.  i felt the quivering start and the tightness in my throat and behind my eyes the moment he located it and as i stretched both leg and arm in opposite directions the sobbing was almost instant and unstoppable.

i had no idea what happened.

i still have no idea what happened.

after class i hung back and talked to m. about what had happened and she talked me through some of it as it started to come back out as we talked.  i had stuffed back down whatever had happened on the table to get through the rest of class but it was starting to come back up, all this unexplainable emotion.  i walked home and it continued to leak out of me in occasional sobs and hiccups.

when i opened the front door the dr. ran to the top of the steps and i slowly climbed up and met him.

and then i fell apart trying to explain something i really couldn’t explain very well.

for all the study and research i do about how the body has its emotional places of holding that memories, stories, emotions are carried in our muscles, our tissues, our bones i have sort of been waiting to really experience something like this.  i just had no idea it would be such a deep muscle.  i should have known it wouldn’t be as obvious as my trapezius or my shoulders.

my brain wants to do all the investigative work to try and nail down what is happening so it can fix it.  the chatter is non-stop inside my head on what this could be about, wanting to find a story, wanting to assign it something tangible it can understand.  the left side of the brain wants to take this and make it into an equation it can work out and compute.

there is no way to rationalize it though in a manner that will do me any good so i’m sort of just going to sit with this for awhile and see where it takes me.  my body feels much more free today.  this weekend i did walk away with open hips and more space in my lower back.  i’m also feeling a lot better body image wise.  i surprisingly had an easy time with doing the body assessment portion of class in my underwear.  we broke up into small groups to look at each other analyzing postural habits and finding imbalances.  we has done this in the advanced program but in our clothes.  trigger point we did this in our skivvies and i surprised myself with being ok with standing there in my underwear in a room full of  people discussing my posture and body.

the only preface i gave was about the numerous mosquito bites i had from the past 3 days when we had an unwelcome guest in our bedroom who ate me alive until jeff found it and killed it yesterday.

seems like the body image wound has healed greatly over the past two years.

i’m supposed to meet up with m. today for a reiki session.  after two days of being poked and prodded i’m really down for some non-invasive energy work.

tomorrow night’s class already has me a bit anxious as we’re diving right into the psoas again for the advanced program.  the idea makes my stomach drop a little but it’s those uncomfortable places i need to go to come out on the other side.  it’s the only way to grow.

 

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