something akin to that scene from good will hunting where robin williams keeps telling matt damon that it’s not his fault happened.

except I didn’t breakdown as dramatically as damon and no one is going to offer me any oscar nominations anytime soon.

being aware of the fact that you take responsibility for absolutely everything and then some is one thing.

knowing it and processing it is another.

when you give me something, whether intentional or not, i take it on and i make it my problem to fix because i don’t know any other way.

and i do it because i’m supposed to.  no one ever told me otherwise and i’m trying to figure out how to say no and not feel like an awful human being.

i walked home last night with an ike’s sandwich in my bag, a 1/2 pound of king trumpet mushrooms from the farmers market and 2 zines from needles and pens.  i got home, ate my vegan brutus and watched old clips of j.g. quintel’s pre-regular show cartoons.  the sandwich has been this random thing i had been thinking about all week. i had one monday and instantly wanted more.  a fresh baked dutch crunch roll, garlic & herb sauce, vegan breaded chicken, marinated artichoke hearts and soy cheese.  i have this thing when i eat something that strikes a real chord with me, something that unexpectedly hits all the right pleasure centers in my brain, it lingers there and creates this voice that whispers to me everyday….sandwich.  you need this sandwich.  

after dinner and some reading for class, i crawled into bed with my ipod and listened to malcolm gladwell.  ever since listening to tina fey’s bossypants i’ve been engrossed in the idea of adding audiobooks to my life.  i purchased ‘what the dog saw’ and have been enjoying walking around the city, working out on the eliptical and riding muni listening to malcolm gladwell and his well crafted non-fiction.  i’ve realized i’ve been needing a break from the somatic psychology and neuroplasticity reading and the new mcsweeny’s and malcolm gladwell showed up just in time.

reading about the hows and whys of our emotional and neuronal bodies helps to a certain point.  the rest of the work is deeply personal and something the left side of my brain cannot work out.  there is logic but the logic can’t heal any of this.  the work and the resolution isn’t instant because all of a sudden you know. 

there is only a limited amount of power in knowing.  the rest is something i can’t even put into words.  i don’t know what the rest is.  i’m processing but that’s not quite it either.

at some point in my life i made the decision that i needed to do everything by myself because the world owes me no favors and if you want something you’re going to have to do the work to get it.

no one told me that not everything has to be work and no one told me that it’s not about favors or anyone owing anyone anything.


1 Response to “responsibility”

  1. 1 Rory August 26, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    I am just going to steal the last paragraph of this post… It is so me as well.

    What is it about us?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s



August 2011
« Jul   Sep »


  • cutting the necks and shortening all the sleeves on every t-shirt i own means i will have an endless supply of Flashdance tops. 1 day ago



%d bloggers like this: