among other things

adding a weekly appointment to my already insane schedule feels like i’m setting myself up for disaster.

except that new weekly appointment is with a therapist.

i dragged my ass on this one.  i stalled and stalled.  i put it on the bottom of my priority list right under ‘sort and  purge contents of underwear drawer’.

i don’t know if i was stalling because i knew i was mad busy already or if it meant i’d actually have to do some personal work i wasn’t sure i was ready to start working on.

but then i was poised with a question a couple of months ago that solidified the need to  just do it already.

“do you think you’ll ever really be happy?”

when i think of that question my throat instantly tightens up and my heart sinks because the answer is:

i hope so.

i do.  i really really do.

it’s not that i’m unhappy.  i just have a hard time sometimes really enjoying happiness when it’s here.  it’s like i’m always waiting for it to go horribly awry.  and the happier i am, the more i have at stake.  the better i have it the more i have to lose.

in my quest to self diagnose, i’ve read my books on somatic psychology and neruoplasticity and i sorta love just sitting around telling myself that my issues with my trapezius tie in to my issues with reaching out to others for help and that early childhood neural paths indicate that making mistakes are punishable have reinforced themselves to the point that breaking these thought patterns will take the help of a professional.

being an anatomy and pyschology junkie has been booth awesome and awful.


1 Response to “among other things”

  1. 1 Rory August 17, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    Good for you…. It is hard to know when but usually being happy is the hardest thing to do and the least appealing time to try and figure it out

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August 2011
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