MOTHERLY ADVICE

i tell my mother that i’m moving in with the dr. and her words of wisdom are:

“DON’T GET PREGNANT.  YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT.”

also

“IF YOU’RE GOING TO GET MARRIED, LET US KNOW AHEAD OF TIME.  WE NEED TO KNOW.”

also

“DID I MENTION NOT TO GET PREGNANT?  YES. OK.”

and closing with

“I’LL TELL YOUR DAD.  GOODBYE.”

and just like that the conversation was over, i wasn’t even 1/2 way back to my house from the grocery store and the phone call was over.  i double checked my phone just to see where we clocked in.  55 seconds.

i had been holding in my brain a couple of phrases like, “I know you don’t approve of this kind of thing” and “It really just makes sense for us” but I didn’t even need to say anything but,  “ROOMMATE MOVING OUT, I’M MOVING IN WITH JEFF. BLINKY SAYS MEOW YOU LATER.  SHE’S GOING TO PORTLAND.”


it’s sorta funny how i anticipate these conversations that feel epic and they’re completed in lightening speed.  most of the advice my mother has given me throughout my life have been about 80% based on sex and pregnancy and a couple of gems like “DON’T MAKE MISTAKES” (which could be read as pregnancy related)  and “WEAR MAKEUP SOMETIMES. IT’S GOOD FOR YOUR SKIN”.

all while she’s digging through her stash of goodies in her closet to find something to give to me, a clinique makeup bag, a free towel, a pair of slippers, anything she can give me as a token to let me know she cares even though she can only speak to me in ALL CAPS.

and i know she cares.  i know that the pair of slippers she got on sale at kohl’s that she is trying to give me that i keep refusing is her way of saying, “i love you too much to see you have children out of wedlock. and even if you do, i’ll still love you.” i know that the bottles of vitamins she tries to stash in my bag or the random face wash she bought me because it says VEGAN on it are because she wants me to be happy and it’s the only way she knows how to communicate with me.  with things.  things are easy for her.  they’re  tangible and real and have monetary value that in her brain you can convert to emotional value.

i really love my mother even though i know that i’ll never be able to get her to talk to me the way i talk to her in my head. in italics.

this is how i love you.  this is how i love you. i do.

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2 Responses to “MOTHERLY ADVICE”


  1. 1 Alicia April 12, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    I think all moms try to show love with things. I know for my mom it’s because her parents NEVER gave her things. Or love. It’s love evolution.

  2. 2 maria g. April 29, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    i found your blog! so, when i lost about 45 pounds, do you want to know what my mom said? “oh, maria, you’re too skinny. are you healthy?” uhhhh… remember that fat girl you raised? who went to nutritionists in 5th grade and did sweating to the oldies with richard simmons and fantasized about liposuction? and i’m way more healthier than the people who keep dropping dead in this family (with all respect, uncle gino and zizi carmella). why can’t you just say “that must have been really, really hard to do. i appreciate you working so hard. maybe you’ll be an influence on our really fat, unhealthy family.” that would have been nice.

    so, a lot of the times, mothers don’t know what they are talking about.

    and, yes, my mom sends me chocolate and cookies with high-fructose corn syrup in them, and i could say “ma, this shit is bad for me. and for you. don’t eat it!” but i say “thank you. that was so sweet.”

    but, i know my mom loves me. and i know when to stand my ground. and i know when not to call because she’ll be a negative nancy. but i also know that when i’ve been in the shit she has been there for me, sending me love in money, packages of food, and even kind, encouraging words. i’ve learned a lot from my mom. in a lot of ways i’m like her. but, i am a woman of 2011. i don’t eat meat. i will not change my name because i got married. and maybe (gasp!) i won’t even bear a child.

    maybe.

    because being a mom could be rewarding… right?


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