brain dump

while i was home for about 10 minutes i had reverted back to an angsty 13 year old me.  there were millions of people downstairs, milling about, eating off of paper plates and i was in my room.  door shut. feeling bitter but mostly hungry.

oh, the teen years.  the wah-wah-wah years.  the need to be the center of attention and the need to be a recluse fighting against each other.  at least back then i was an omnivore and could bring a paper plate of food to my room.

i had to wait until most of the kitchen action died down to get a pan in there to make some tofu and stir fry some greens.

i ate pringles until then.

i’m glad i pouted for only a short amount of time before i remembered that i am 34 years old.  i’m rather successful at this whole living life thing despite the strange and somewhat disapproving reactions i get when i tell people what i’m doing with myself.  no one winces when i tell them i work in an office but they do form some expression that looks partially like they passed gas and partially like i’m stupid when i tell them that i’m in school for massage therapy.

right.  northern california.  it’s a bubble.  becoming a CMT here is normal.  tell this to people in new jersey and they think your aspirations are ridiculous.

it takes some work to remember that they don’t get it and they may never get it.  they may never understand and nothing may ever change. i’m going to be ok with the fact that i’m still the weird one in the family. from angsty suicidal heavy metaler to hippie, vegan yogatard.  i’m not like them and i think i’m finally ok with it. after spending my teenage years wishing i fit in somehow so they’d be ok with me to giving up and running away to school and not telling them anything to running even further away to california so i could dye my hair pink and pierce my face and get tattoos and withhold even more information from them i’m finally at the point where it’s like, fuck it.  you don’t have to understand me.  i’ll live.

and despite all this kind of crap that comes up when i find myself home and dissatisfied with my relationships with family it still, overall, felt good to be at home.  to see my sister. to see my brother and my cousins and the whole dysfunctional lot of us.  it felt good to sit down with lisa and listen to her talk about her non-wedding knowing that she’ll be perfectly fine.  it felt good to see my grandmother and tell her i’m not getting married.  no, not even in a year or two.  and tell my uncle who likes to tease everyone that if i ever do get married it will be somewhere far far away.

it felt good to have baby play time with my nephew.  it felt much different than december.  he’s much bigger and sturdier.  3 months and he looks and feels different.  the growth is so strange and amazing.  as much as it felt different physically, it felt different mentally.  in december after spending time with several quality babies and getting my brain in a tizzy over wondering what my baby would look like i think those thoughts have finally settled down at the bottom like sunken tea leaves.  i no longer feel this question of possible want.  without much thought it came to me on the plane ride home that maybe those feelings came up because having a baby would be one more thing to anchor me to what they consider “normal”.  it’s what you do.

this is where my brain is at right now.  people have babies for a plethora of reasons, some of them questionable and most of them (i believe, i hope) noble.   but after 2 full days in new jersey  listening to random mothers yell inappropriate things at their toddlers in the mall really makes you want to stop your baby clock stop from ticking. it makes you want the clock to go backwards.   if there is such a thing as a clock.  what is the word?  i don’t remember.  it’s that thing that tells women in their 30s they better get fucking or their ovaries will dry up and die.

my brain decided to take a vacation last week and it took time to process some changes that are happening.  you never really know how you’ll react to something until it actually happens.  you can try and think about what it might be like, feel like but it’s all speculation until the event itself happens.

i had numbed a lot of things down after crying out a large portion of it a couple of weeks ago.  i was sure that i’d be looking for a new apartment and that i’d be wondering where it would actually be and what it would be like to have new roommates.  living with strangers at 34 is another weird thing that people back home don’t really get.  that stuff is reserved for your early 20s before you meet the man you’re supposed to marry.  this is what they think, i am sure.  you’re not supposed to move into a house of 3 strangers when you’re as old as I am unless you’re on some geriatric version of The Real World.  (while at home i caught an episode of the new Real World in Vegas and it’s still the same 22 year olds getting drunk and breaking furniture.  sigh.)  while i was telling myself that anything can happen, i was also secretly resigned to accept my fate of living in another 1114A Fulton St.

and when this changed, i didn’t know how to process. it took some time to sink in.  i was happy.  of course i was happy that the dr. asked me to move in.  it’s what i’ve been wanting for awhile but since i had conditioned myself to believe it wasn’t going to happen i didn’t know how to react.  normal “happy” sensors didn’t go off.  confused “huh?” sensors did.

i have just as many fears as he does about this.

but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth trying.

otherwise it would be a lifetime of speculation and no actual doing.  for me, anyways.  i don’t want to think about how things might feel anymore.  i just sorta want to feel.  i want to do things and  fuck up. i want to do things and be successful. i want to do things.  i don’t want to think about them anymore.  i’ve spent so much of my life thinking about how things will pan out and none of those scenarios will play out the same way in real life because my brain is not real life.   real life is real life.

when i met the dr. i was pretty much broken.  jake and james really just made me realize that the me that i was wasn’t working and wasn’t doing anything right.  mostly because i wasn’t doing much but thinking about how to fix things instead of trying to actually fix them.  or more importantly realizing that some things can’t be fixed.  this stubborn trait that if maybe i believed and work at it and wished it with all my might i could make anything happen through sheer willpower.  this has never, ever, worked.

by the time the dr. and i were dating i was ready to really just try and do something new because the old ways were dumb and proven ineffective.  it was time to try and be brave about things too.

i got on a bike and i could possibly be done with crying in the face of cars.  i got in the pool and figured out how to swim.  i wanted an out to the office game and i’m working at it.

who knew that all of this was out there.  that possibility can turn into reality and while there is no guarantee of success, you at least will finally know if you can or cannot do it.

all of a sudden i am a large cheesewad full of pithy sayings about living life but know that i am only saying it because it is true.

eckhart tolle can suck it.

1/2 way through “A New Earth”  i’ve decided that i don’t need someone telling me things i already know.

someone’s going into the free bin outside of dog eared books this weekend.

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