jitter

everything inside me is vibrating at a slightly abnormal level.

i blame coffee.  regular coffee.  i’m an espresso kinda gal.  so lattes and such don’t ever make me feel this way. but a small regular coffee from Peets and my internal organs are having tiny little seizures.  it’s pinging all over the place inside of me like a pin ball looking for it’s way out.

i had set my alarm for 5:30AM in the hopes i could get downtown to labcorp early to get my bloodwork done but no such luck as the alarm went off and i reset it to its normal time my brain fuzzy and heavy.  too early.  too early. i used to be able to get up before the sun to hit bikram before work.  i don’t seem to be that kind of person anymore.

i don’t feel less motivated these days though.  i feel super motivated.  my time tables are just shifting later and i’m more willing to stay up late than get up at 5.

i also don’t necessarily feel like a bikram kinda person anymore.  i used to be drawn to the extremes but i no longer feel the need to lock my knees or any of my joints for that matter.  it’s much harder to keep them soft as you engage your muscles to hold you in your pose. depending on locked joints just leads me to a world of trouble as i hyper extend everything when i’m not paying attention.

my left elbow has been in pain since falling out of a handstand on new years day.  after a month of non-stop yoga it still feels off when i extend the arm all the way.  jeff pointed out that it’s probably not healing since i keep re-injuring it in class (oh hi downward dog) so after Allegra’s class yesterday where my poor left arm did a lot of weight bearing stuff i decided to take the weekend off and really let the arm rest.

class was a mixed bag of trying to find the balance between effort and ease.  you know you should be working hard but you  shouldn’t be gritting your teeth.  it’s going to happen.  you will  find yourself concentrating so hard on not falling that your jaw will clench but when that does happen, when you realize what’s going  then you can back off from that edge and make it a bit easier or just let it go altogether.

this weekend i need to let it go altogether and regroup monday to see how the elbow feels.

in the meantime i’ll be silently vibrating at my desk.  i had thought coffee would be a good idea since i was still groggy on the bus ride in but obviously i am regretting this decision as i can’t stop my brain chatter and my hands can barely contain themselves.

i can’t wait to make stuff this weekend. all i want to do is write, write and write and read and draw and bake.  so many inspiring things coming to me this week despite it all.  maybe because monthly womb acheage is ending and i feel like i’m coming out of vicious monkey knife fight tired but really excited to do something other than battle my onslaught of emotions.  you know, the things that unearth themselves when you’r feeling weak and tired.  the doubt that creeps in and makes you want to second guess your entire life.

i fell asleep last night with the music on and despite the randomness of alice coltrane, fela kuti and cee lo i did not have any weird trippy afro-centric dreams.  goddamnit.  why is my subconscious so boring?

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