a sea of vag v. misery – aka conversations with your ex-boyfriend

i’m all for keeping myself open to all sorts of possibilities but it’s really difficult to not get discouraged when you realize that people don’t always grow up.  i get stuck in holding patterns too.  i’m completely aware of this and try to recognize when i’m acting out of learned behavior that has never done me any good.  in recognizing this i’m giving myself the opportunity to make a different decision so maybe something inside can shift and change.

i need to stop judging people when they don’t recognize that they keep doing the same thing over and over again and either a.) don’t care that they’re stuck in a behavioral holding pattern,  b.) don’t realize they keep making the same mistake or c.) are purposefully keeping the cycle going because hey,  isn’t pain kinda fun?

recent  conversations have been making me want to rip my hair out because i’m noticing that it’s been years and not much has changed with g and i hate that i feel personally invested in helping him through his trials and tribulations with being in love with a girl who wants to do nothing but string him along.  it’s none of my business really so i don’t know why his inability to to realize he’s better than this has got me all in a tizzy.

i guess i’m just tired of people not knowing or thinking or believing that they have real choices in life and while choosing to be happy may take some work it’s worth it in the end.  when you think about how a lot of us live these days (and i’m not saying everyone) it’s really easy to choose misery.  if you’ve had a tough time at life in general, it’s familiar territory so you stick with it.  god forbid you let yourself be happy.  i know, for myself, i have a problem with letting myself be happy because i’m scared shitless of  having it and then losing it but you’ve got to give it a shot otherwise what’s the point of anything?

and being happy isn’t faking it.  it isn’t putting on a show or telling people you’re okay while you cry into your whiskey.  it’s being open to the idea that you have a choice.

it was hard listening to g  talk about being in love.  i will admit that there are times when love is painful and when it’s difficult but love should never make you feel like you’re not worthy. i’m sorry dude but your horse faced not-a-girlfriend doesn’t love you when she tells you she’s going on a date with someone else.

“i know she only told me to see if i’d get jealous.”

“well, did you?”

“yes.”

“and is she still going on this date?”

“yes.”

“and where does this leave you?”

the line went quiet and in the silence i could hear him struggle with the truth of the situation in all its painful glory.

“i don’t know.”

i kept repeating to myself that none of this was my business nor my problem but it’s hard not to care about someone who is reaching out to you because they don’t know what to do anymore.

“she’s not the only horse faced not-a-girlfriend you will meet in your life.”

“you’re being mean.”

“i’m only mean because i love you…and because it’s 2AM and i’m tired.”

“i don’t know what to do.”

“be sad.  you’re allowed to be sad.  you’re supposed to be sad.  but that doesn’t last forever.  remember that.”

“but i don’t know what to say or do when i see her again.”

“who says you ever need to see her again?”

the line got quiet again.

“i know you don’t like the idea but give it a shot.  it might help you get over her.  she’s actually making it really easy for you to make the decision to walk away.  shitty behavior is really easy to walk away from.  she’s not dating other people because she loves you.”

“you’re -”

“i’m not being mean.  or if i am, i don’t care.  there’s got to be a tiny part of you that completely understands everything i’m telling you.”

“it’s really hard.”

“it is hard but if you get this part over with now think about the sea of vaginas out there that are probably a lot nicer who are just swimming around waiting to meet you.”

“a vagina sea.”

“a vast and endless sea.”

“of vaginas.”

“yes, vaginas.”

when we hung up i felt relieved and sad and then angry because who really knows if anything i said made a difference as i’ve been saying the same thing for the past couple of weeks now and nothing has really changed.  this is the thing i need to let go of.  i can’t magically make this better for you.  i can’t do anything really since people have to make up their own minds and it doesn’t matter if i stand here and wave a poster of a large and vast sea of hot vaginas waiting to meet you you will choose misery.  misery over a sea of fluffy triangles who want to be with you, who won’t string you along, who will be kind to you.

and now i’m going to go home and make a poster of a sea of vaginas with the words printed in big bold helvetica letters:  THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

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