hold please

i’ll be over here:  http://livingsattva.wordpress.com/ for the month of January as I do the yoga version of nanowrimo. sorta.

that is if i don’t die.

i don’t think i’ll die.  i think there will pain but i’ll get over that.

i just wished i would stop dropping things because my arms are oh so broken. i picked blinky up last night and nearly fell over my limbs are so sore.

sorry for the teaser posts, thanksgiving, therapy and such.  i’m still trying to digest christmas which wasn’t bad,  only somewhat stressful and a whole boatload of confusing emotions i’ve yet to sort out.  holding a baby that looks a lot like your sister does all sorts of things to your heart that you can’t really figure out.

i’ve got a list of things i want to do with my life.  at 34 i had thought this list would be non-existent or at the very least, short.   little did i know that what you want out of life changes.  it used to be as simple as ‘i want a job that pays the bills and lets me have a life’ to ‘i want a job that helps people’ to ‘i want a job that helps people other than helps them make money’.

you get older and you get more specific.  you get older and you come to realize you are at your happiest when you are doing something that makes someone else’s life easier.  i had the same satisfaction when i worked for arich at the house of blues.  knowing he was doing ok because i was making his life easier made my job feel fulfilling.  i don’t know what this says about my personality  (i’m happy because your happy?) but at this point…i don’t care.

so this starts with identifying a path because it is never too late to start and if anything is good for the soul it is change.

there’s a lot of work ahead of me and lots of things i want to accomplish and do.  there are more novels to write, more yoga classes to take, more learning to do, more laps to swim, more hats to knit, more books to read, more things to bake.  there’s not enough time in the day for everything so i take what i can get and fit things in and as long as i maintain at my job all is good.  the idea of adding a baby to the mix really just fucks everything up.

it’s probably in the girl genes but something seriously wonky happens when i’m face to face with my nephew who is going to be the cutest hybrid uber-baby in the midwest.

i don’t have the room in my brain to start wondering what my hybrid would look like.  what it would smell like.  how funny or awesome or smart or talented it would be.  no.  there is no room to think such things when i’m having a hard time figuring where to fit in an hour of yoga everyday.

it’s a game changer and i’m bothered by it because i don’t want to want, but you know, sometimes you just want. (story of my life.  negau anyone?)  for the time being i’m blaming hormones.  this just opens up the door to a whole lot of questions i’m not ready to really think about or entertain.

i need to control the part of me that is a doer.  i’ve always boiled situations down to something tangible and manageable so i can write a course of action and make it happen.  also, a lot of the time, i fee like if i don’t do this, no one will so i go ahead and map it out in the hopes of a positive outcome.  a positive outcome = forward momentum towards goal.

life is not a straight line and even if the quickest way to point b is to move straight forward towards it from point a there is no accounting for the banana peels and watermelons that are eventually thrown in your path.

fucking watermelons.  yeah.  i don’t know.  i guess i got the idea of someone rolling these things at you like bowling.

i haven’t been bowling in years.  i used to like it.  it seems to be too expensive in the city to be a wholesome recreational hobby though.  it’s cheaper to drink at home.

anyways.  what was i saying?

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