i look like i’m singing (part two)

never let me do a 2-parter again.  this is what happens.

i stop and then i lose track and well, the memories mix with marzipan and heavy carbs and all i’m left with is a head full of oatmeal.

i’ve been fighting between the need to hibernate and the need to be more social.  it’s the time of the year for social and i’m trying to get in the mood for it but you know that your sigh of relief at the announcement that there is no big holiday company party is a tell-tale sign that you’d rather be alone.

upon returning from yachats, the dr. and i played out our weekend like normal and i’m glad to have had that downtime although i could have easily stayed an extra day or two, rolled off the amtrak bus and headed into the office at 8AM monday morning.  i seem to thrive well under that kind of schedule if i’m forced to do it but it’s probably smart that i don’t let myself do that too often.

the city felt good, the way san francisco always does but it didn’t feel great.  i remember returning from seattle and nearly wept with joy as we approached the city.  even the relief of caltrain pulling into sf from my commute to belmont everyday was a sign that this city was home. returning from yachats felt good.  i was beat down tired and hungry.  i was ready to be buried in the dr’s bed but i wasn’t quite ready to come back to civilization after getting a taste of what it was like to have nothing but trees and dogs and cats and babies and food to look forward to everyday.

i had a meltdown sunday night as we left my house after dropping off my luggage realizing i had a laundry list of things to take care of that i didn’t have the funds to take care of.  it’s a struggle to live in this city when you’re not in the right industry.    2006-07  i was in the right industry.  hospitality was growing and people were renovating and building. i had lots and lots to buy.  and then quickly it all came to a grinding halt.

everyone i had ever worked with, vendors, contractors, operators, project managers…everyone felt it.

even though it was hard it was a bit of a relief to be laid off.  maybe i could hit the reset button and do something new.

i was not diligent enough in my endeavors to choose a new career path though.  all of it required money and education that i did not have access to.  i could have baked and peddled my wares in the park like most of the unemployed lot in the city but why over saturate  the market.

and then i landed a job.

and now i have myself… a job.

somehow i managed to pay my bills and feed myself ok without one and now that i have one it’s harder to pay my bills and feed myself.  what IS that?

i came to realize all the things i couldn’t take care of while i was unemployed are now things i need to deal with. enough dental work that adds up to the cost of my first year of college, a cat who needs a vet check up and that student loan bill.  yes, the one that wants to drown me every couple of years.  the one that i am pushing to pay off for my own sense of satisfaction.

the weight of all of this came down and poured out of my squishy face as we walked down Ashbury St. towards the 33 back to the dr.’s house.  i broke.  literally and literally.

it’s that chute at the top of the board of chutes and ladders.  the one that sends you back to the bottom.  it’s do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.

monday and tuesday my shoulders were so tight they were painful.

and tuesday night i went to see a therapist one on one for the first time since i was a kid.

(con’t – don’t you hate me?  i hate me.)

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December 2010
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