practice

it’s been hard to get to the gym this week.  when schedules start changing and life drama steps into place you’re sorta thrown off your game and the only thing you can do is stop, think if going to the gym will help or hinder and either go or go home.  sleep and gym have been weighing in mind lately.  i want more of both but this week there was only room for one of them.  when i got to the gym wednesday night i kicked it so hard i wanted to punch it in the face the next day everything hurt so bad.  on top of the 40 minute cardio, 20 minute weights and 30 minute swim i stretched for a lot longer than i usually do despite my need to get home at a decent hour. 

a lot of pent up frustration worked its way out, which was needed but yesterday my body made the decision for me and told me to go home and lie down for awhile.  the alarm went off at 5AM this morning and i promptly turned it off.  there would be no morning swim.  trying to really truly figure out what is good for me is hard.  am i being lazy or am i really this tired?

i’m really this tired.  yes.  and if it happens to be mixed in with an ounce of laziness who the fuck cares. 

there is still resistance to making my home feel like home again.  it still feels like work that i don’t want to do but at least it isn’t met with a roommate fighting me for it.  he completely understood where i was coming from, which was a relief.  i was ready for a smack down but it wasn’t necessary. 

i’m still sort of stuck in a headspace where i’m making plans on what to do if this, this or this happens and all my plans are based on me doing all of these things alone despite the work i’ve done to try and turn off the part of me that believes that the world owes you no favors and you need to be prepared to handle what comes your way without help. 

it takes practice.  like everything else.  the more you do it, the easier it gets.

the more i let people help me, the easier it should get to realize that the only thing they expect back in repayment is the same kind of love.

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