i’m feeling weird and insecure tonight.  i’m not sure what it is.  things go from being nothing to being precious and fragile without any real warning sometimes.  my brain puts it in perspective.  the rest of me lets it wash over me and i feel whatever it is because, as with most things, it’s passing.

it’s good to remember that you are resilient and beautiful.  it’s hard work to remember this.  sometimes it’s a daily task.  it takes persistence, a gentle nudge, everyday, remember this.

i took a shower when i got home from the gym.  the pool was super crowded and my body felt like it wanted a break so i got home, shed the sweaty clothes and turned on the clean.

my bedroom closet has two mirrored sliding doors.  An entire wall of my room is basically one gigantic mirror.  i remember catching some of my ex’s looking at themselves in it while we were having sex.  for some reason that always reminded me of christian bale in american psycho flexing in the mirror while having his way with two prostitutes. most of the time the mirrors don’t bother me.  sometimes they’re annoying from a purely aesthetic and decorative point of view.  i live with them though and i’ve used them as a tool to keep documentation of how my body has changed over the years.

after my shower, for no real reason other than curiosity, i took photos of myself in the mirror naked.  the first shot was jarring as i stared at myself in the tiny view finder then back at the large mirror wondering how something on such a small screen could look so wrong.  instant reaction.  i’m not used to, the world isn’t used to, seeing this much non-airbrushed fleshiness.  i’ve got scars on the tops of my thighs from this indian summer’s barrage of hungry spiders and things.  veins are showing where they never used to show.  everything looked a bit too round for my tastes.  the next couple of pictures were just as difficult to swallow.

it wasn’t until i sat down to go through the pictures again that i started to feel a bit better.  the second time around i looked at the photos and realized that i look like this every day of my life.  it is not a startling new revelation that i look like this.  i’ve always looked like this, even at  my skinniest, i was always this fleshy, i have always had a belly, i have always had thighs that no pair of shorts could keep prisoner.  the pictures became less horrific when i realized they were photos of myself and oh, yeah,  i like me.

the moment you start comparing yourself to anyone or everyone around you is the moment you become your own worst eating disorder.

i put clothes on, texted the dr. because the thought of him crossed my mind and it was a pleasant one and  then roasted some sweet potatoes and sautéed some spinach for dinner.

i crawled into bed a half an hour ago and i feel…ok.  i think.  still oddly out of sorts and a bit meh. there are some emotions you can’t dumb down.

sometimes i wonder what is worse.  being male and not knowing how to talk about your feelings or being a girl who can’t shut up about them. one has something that won’t come out and the other is just spilling all over the place.

a lot of the time i feel like my spilling is embarrassing.


1 Response to “weird”

  1. 1 Rory September 30, 2010 at 5:22 pm

    You are foolish and honest and I love you for every minute of it. It takes a lot of guts to own one’s shite and you do it better than anyone I know…

    I love you for it. It inspires me.

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September 2010
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  • RT @skstock: We need to stop glamorizing working at 150%. That extra 50% is a loan from your future self. Eventually you’ll need to collect… 3 days ago



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