what to do now i am full of soup? work i guess. that’s the most obvious answer as i am in the office and at the desk looking at the computer. i’m starting the detachment process by calling things by “the” and not “my”. someone stole the ruler a couple of weeks ago and it’s yet to be found but it’s making it really difficult to read budgets. i had thought about walking around asking anyone if they saw my ruler but then it hit me that #1 no one gives a fuck and #2 it’s not my ruler. it’s the ruler the person who sat at my desk before me had. it’s the ruler someone before me had purchased and used to make straight lines and measure things. nothing is mine. except this rolodex and this pad of sticky notes made out of hello kitty dressed as a monkey.

hi kitty

sometime last week my right eye had started acting up. itchy and red. but it would go away before it became anything to be concerned about. today i looked in the mirror and saw my left eye was itchy and red. the disease is moving. without any saline solution on my being today i found myself filling the contact case with tap water thinking if i let them sit in there for a minute, it should be fine. i was only dropping some redness relief eye drops in and then popping them back in. that minute did something though. when i put them back in they didn’t quite sting but they didn’t quite feel normal. i felt like i had put in completely different eyes and the edges of my vision blurred and made my head hurt. note to self: do not look left. or right. just straight ahead and everything will be ok.

it took a couple of minutes but the blurriness went away and now i worry about what tap water parasite is nipping at my eyeballs as we speak.

as i type

i’ve had a hard time writing about the past couple of days. i’ve spent some time searching for words of higher wealth. i say the same things and they lose meaning and people stop caring because they can already guess what you’re about to say. it’s not easy to create a new language. i don’t know of any other ways to tell you that i love you and i want you and i think that happiness is good so i should stop being so concerned that there are empty spaces around us filled with the possibility of sadness. it’s just a possibility. it’s not real. it’s just a thing. a bodiless thing. it’s sitting at the summit, ready to roll down the hill, thinking i could possibly die. but i probably won’t. it’s just a roller coaster. a roller coaster being operated by an 16 year old on summer break. he’s got big dreams, this kid. one day he won’t be so awkward. one day he’ll get a date. one day he won’t even remember this stupid summer job or me and my insistence that i will die on this ride.

it’s a kids ride. children do this and they don’t die.

i won’t die

i’ve been listening to a lot of broken social scene lately and it’s been working. i’ve also been rediscovering endorphins. cardio. weights. swim. cardio. weights. swim. with the swim last it’s a short session not really going beyond 200 meters or so, my arms fatigued and useless by then. i get lapped by the elderly. whatever nana. i’ve already figured out the secret to life so go ahead and pass me in the slow lane, i’m in no hurry to get nowhere.

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