want vs. need

i’m still struggling and when it’s 6 days before womb of fire there is very little you can do to figure it out.

i want a haircut. i need to stop needing.

or so i think.

lots of fighting happening this morning. my brain understands that this is not 2006 and i am no longer at the mercy of a bad relationship. at some point, whether it was when i hauled myself to Boston for school or when things ended with James, I decided it was probably best to not need anything. wanting is one thing, needing is dangerous and only destroys things.

learning that ‘need’ is a part of normal life is still rather hard for me to deal with. the moment the want turns into a need i scare myself with how awful i feel. i instantly dislike myself for needing something. i start to feel like some sort of grade C human being. my brain knows this is not true. my brain is reliable and tells me that i am being ridiculous and it tells me to eat a popsicle and play my guitar and sing in the park. it tells me that i’m a good egg despite these feelings.

i don’t know what part of me feeds the insecurity. this lurking gloom and doom that starts off as a small sniff and ends up consuming until only the bones are left.

remember how there were always those people you knew who would trash talk themselves as a defense mechanism? because they wanted to make fun of themselves before anyone else could do it and it made anyone else’s attempt null and void?

that’s sorta what i do i guess. it’s just not obvious. if i don’t admit to you that i need something from you then you don’t get a chance to say no.

this, of course, is no way to live your life. no one is an island. or you are, you’re just a very lonely one.

there are people who make themselves ok with a solitary life. they give up the need for such things because it gets too complicated or becomes too much work. that’s never been me. no matter how many times i’ve decided i want to come back in my next life as a robot. i can’t do it. i live for the stories that only people and experiences can create.

i hiccuped at the kitchen table into my cat’s face. i picked fleas out of her fur and told her that it would be ok and she could stop hiding in the closet because setch left a bottle of brandy in the house and no one would know if you put it in your travel mug with some coffee mixed in with some hot chocolate mix mixed in with some soy creamer. see blinky? it’s a non-irish irish coffee because stupid Bailey’s is made with dairy products but it does the same thing. it takes the edge off of a rough morning littered with unusual san francisco summer sunshine.

i stopped the hiccups, the weepies went away and i made myself a bowl of lentils and another non-irish irish coffee and thanked myself for being so brave.

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