fire

 i try and not complain about being a girl as it’s hard enough being a human being regardless of your sex but the days i want to rip my womb out of my body i don’t know how to explain that i really, honestly, truly, want to rip the womb out of my body. 

it’s like all of a sudden in the middle of the afternoon your thighs explode and you feel 10 lbs heavier, there are aliens floating in your gut that won’t let you sit right or be comfortable.  you want to crawl out of your own skin, it’s too tight, it’s keeping you locked in. 

as the dr. and i walked to the bus stop after dinner i admitted that the inside of me wanted out.

“i want to fart.  i can’t.  it just won’t happen.”

i think back to the Lost finale and i need a mini desmond hume to uncork my island and set me free. 

my womb wants fucking off this island.  it’s got a knife and it’s gonna stab its way out.

and trust me, i feel every bit of its disdain.

the alarm went off at 5 this morning and i reset it despite wanting to go swimming, sleep seemed more important at the moment.  the alarm went off, blinky meowed in protest and i agreed with her.

it’s raining this morning and i’m ok with that.  it felt nice to stand in the mist, smelling the wet ground, all of it made me feel better.  the ballad of el goodo, vanilla tea and the sound of the cable car bells up and down california st made me feel better.  the strange noise that comes from upstairs that sounds like the TARDIS landing behind me made me feel better.

i can find things, small real things, that soothe and band aid the struggle inside my brain to control emotions and what not.  i feel like i’m really good and finding ways to create my own happiness.  i appreciate that i can do this… it’s just hard to remember i can do this when my womb is on fire.

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