water

i just really want to go home today but i can’t complain as it’s quiet.  everyone’s at the big trade show in vegas and i’m happy to be far away from it.

i’m tired today.  i laid in bed with blinky watching tv on the laptop wishing that i had a pool.  i swam and swam yesterday, until my arms hurt and my lungs burned.  i kept myself under water as long as possible because i like the way things sound down there.  i remember being thrown around in the ocean in tulum, the waves pushing me up and and out before coming over me and dragging me under until it spat me out onto the beach where i laid with my head on the sand for a moment feeling frightened and alive and real.

that’s how i feel this morning.

the most fitting next step would be a nap.  

moments of utter clarity, where you feel so completely human, where all the layers and layers of life crud that you’ve accumulated throughout your entire existence are stripped away and all that is left is you…

you most definitely feel vulnerable and raw but there is also this sense of freedom.  this makes it ok to put on some air supply on the ipod and secretly soft rock your way to work.

i wandered the aisles of safeway this morning and found the entire experience lackluster.  i don’t remember where i lost my lust for grocery stores.  maybe it’s just supermarkets though since i still get wet in the pants gazing at pastries and vitamins at rainbow.

i’ve been putting too much pressure on myself this year and i need to give myself permission to go on a vacation. i want to go swimming in the ocean.  i want to choke on the sea.  i want to almost die and then take a nap and do it all over again because really living life is exhausting.

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