daily life sometimes makes me feel like it’s really hard to discern if i’m indeed being my authentic self.  the job, the broken muni, the commute,  the responsibility, all of it sometimes feels like a complete farce.  how did it c0me to be this way?  and why, when this kind of structure was missing from my life, did i feel lost without it?  when it’s not normal?  it’s not truly normal?

this kind of thinking happens when you’re stuck on the J train sitting at the mouth of the tunnel while the intercom tells you that we’ll be moving in a minute or two as there are two trains stuck in the tunnel.

this is the nth time i’ve been stuck.

there are things lately that seem to make me feel stuck all over the place.   after feeling rather triumphant and brave making it to work on my bike Thursday I found myself feeling rather lame and awful not being able to ride it home Friday and felt even worse since the dr. had ridden his bike to meet me to help me ride it h0me.  after an afternoon of questionable thai food and swimmers ear i felt queasy, shaky and completely off kilter.  as we walked, block after block, i felt more and more awful about being such a pussy as biker after biker whizzed by us.  i felt stuck  in this headspace and when i find myself there i find it hard to climb back into the waking world.  the dr. and i rode bikes to farmers market the next day i almost made it there without fail except for crashing in to him while trying to switch gears.  no one hit the ground which i am grateful for but we did have to pull over and i had to walk until my hands stopped shaking.  the way back was another panic attack right after powell st. and i had to pull over and find a way to put myself back together which took a couple of blocks. 

we walked for a bit before getting back on for 2-3 blocks and then hitting the crosswalk for valencia where we got off and walked it until hunger happened and we found ourselves parking our bikes outside of little star pizza for beers with ronny who we spotted at the bar.

after one drink , the answer came to me that the best way to become unstuck is to sit down and have a drink.  after admitting to the dr. how the bike panic escalates into a ‘you are so completely lame and awful’ thought pattern i realized that no one does this to me, i do this to me. the rest of the world could give two shits if i can ride a bike in san francisco without dying.

one beer turned into several turned into inhaling a large pizza turned into riding 2-3 blocks down valencia drunk, which was a little bit easier.

we got home and the dr. passed out on the floor while i played with tiny internet devices.

then i made an awesome vegan paella and while i’m not sold on the wonders of saffron i was quite impressed with how lovely it came together in this dish.

sunday looked somewhat overcast.  i found myself awake rather early and made some breakfast, read some, played PvZ, putzed around enjoying the quiet.  the dr. and i ended up making some stickers and walked down valencia putting them on things, going down alleys in the mission, smelling interesting smells, the wind relentless and mean.  it should never be this surprising in may.  sure it’s spring but that doesn’t mean anything in sf.  i’ve lived her long enough that i should know better than to trust the weather.

there are more quiet times ahead as i struggle between routine and change.  the bike thing will either fix itself or it won’t and either way it’s ok.  i keep getting back on it even though sometimes my shaky knees protest. it’s always hard work to grow and i know the key is to be persistent in my efforts although i still think the breast stroke can go to hell.  if i can get the bike thing down i’ll have all the tools to do a triathalon.

except for that running part.

fuck that.

one thing at a time.


1 Response to “authentic”

  1. 1 dannyman May 18, 2010 at 10:00 pm

    San Francisco is the hardest environment I have ridden my bicycle in. Chicago? New York? Mountain View? Walnut Creek? No, San Francisco combines threatening traffic with hills, so if it scares the crap out of you it truly it ought to. Needn’t take The Fear personally.

    Good luck! My little Dr is learning to ride HER bike.


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May 2010
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  • RT @skstock: We need to stop glamorizing working at 150%. That extra 50% is a loan from your future self. Eventually you’ll need to collect… 3 days ago



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