it’s not like i’ve forgotten

it’s not like i’ve forgotten how to write, i simply just don’t these days and when i try to do so it feels forced and uncomfortable so i’m going to just stop trying and when it feels right i’ll start again. my brain seems to be on a different path.  sometimes i feel like it’s an unhealthy one, but i’m trying not to categorize my crazy.

i’m also trying not to call it ‘crazy’ because in reality, i know it’s normal.

the dr. broke out an old casio keyboard and saturday night after freaking myself out riding bikes, i sat in front of the computer, fiddled with the keyboard and sorta forgot about a lot of the anxiety that’s been hovering around my camp these days.

i really don’t know where all of these random insecurities are coming from. you can hear the dr. smashing garlic and chopping things for dinner in the background. i got to play piano and write little tunes while a sweet boy made dinner. the house smelled like garlic, ginger and indian spices. it was warm for a san francisco evening. despite not being able to convince myself i could ride the bike lane on valencia st. i didn’t fall over. i don’t know why i plummet into the depths of thinking that things aren’t right when they’re actually quite good.

i feel a lot better these days. nothing can really explain last week’s meltdown over things that hadn’t even happened. who sits in front of their boyfriend telling them they’re upset because they can’t deal with the fact that there may come a day when the relationship will fail? there may. not that there is. not that this day is here. not that there is any sign that it’s now. i found myself drowning in the possibility of everything going south at the same time. one would think that i would have learned from the last time everything did go south that i didn’t die. i am not losing my job nor being dumped. i have no idea what evil thing inside of me is making me feel this way but after letting it all come out of me in a long and painful sob session i ended up falling asleep on the couch completely worn out and emotionally drained.

there are times i admit that i hate being me and i know people rag on me for it but there are times it’s absolutely awful being someone who plays out every possible scenario in their head and actually starts feeling real emotions for things that have not yet happened whereas most people don’t even entertain the idea. i feel like so much of this comes from spending a lot of time in my own head as a kid. and i’m sure somewhere i can tie this back to years of catholic school.

i’ve made a more proactive effort to recognize the stress when it starts and try to step away from it. i’ve backed off on trying to do everything and then some at work. i’m trying to let go of whatever capsizes me when i think about riding my bike down a street with cars. moving cars.

all i can do is try to be nice to myself.

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2 Responses to “it’s not like i’ve forgotten”


  1. 1 matze April 20, 2010 at 11:55 am

    all cool people move to wordpress hmmmm

  2. 2 Rory April 22, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    Hey

    I do this all the time and I think I do it because i spent so much time by myself writing drama which somehow led to living drama without any reason.

    Sometimes you have to sit your crazy in the corner and give it a time out


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