4:09 AM

i want to feel foreign in this skin but it seems like i’ve gotten used to the irritable, red, welty nature of it. i have to consciously think about gluing my hands to my sides so i don’t touch any of it lest it spread. it makes me want to wear long sleeved sweaters for the rest of my life. i never want to be naked again. why do skin maladies make you feel so monstrous?

i’m probably being dramatic because i’ve been lying in bed awake for the past two hours for no real reason. i actually feel like its getting better and not worse but it still makes me feel quite leprous.

tomorrow is my last thursday off and next week i’m officially full time at my job which is somewhat of a relief. while it’s nice to have the time off it’s hard to get 5 days worth of work done in 3. it’s been a couple of years where i’ve had a job that i spend 95% of my time completely focused, plowing through things i need to accomplish as soon as i sit down in the morning. it’s a race to beat the clock. 6:30 comes before i know it. it took some getting used to after 9 months of nowhere to go, nothing to do. i was complainy and tired the first couple of weeks but lately i find myself getting home from work feeling like i kick ass at something. it’s gross to feel so triumphant at crossing things off of task lists. for a freewheeling hippie i sure as hell like making agendas and sticking to them which is just a complete mindfuck considering i can be really bad at keeping my personal life in order.

i was a great executive assistant because i was really good at keeping someone else’s life on track for them. it just never quite translated the same way when i did it for myself.

i should have scheduled a dentist and a doctor’s appointment before going full time because i sure as hell won’t have the time to do so in march when the 5 day work week is in full effect. it’s easier to let these things slip because i don’t have the $$ for it so i make due with a meticulous home dental routine (have been caught in the office bathroom brushing, flossing & rinsing with hydrogen peroxide) and doing whatever i can to keep my skin in tact. i tried to find a dermatologist to see me this week but no one had anything open and told me to go to the emergency room if it was an emergency. after getting the same response from 4 different people i gave up completely frustrated. whatever. i’m just going to let it turn colors and see what happens.

again with the drama. what is wrong with me?

oh right, crazy pills.

spent a good chunk of tuesday curled up on tamie’s couch talking while it rained sideways outside. when i left she yelled ‘i love you!’ right as i closed the door and i yelled back the same and made my way home thinking that while we’re a dysfunctional lot we all pretty much do love each other underneath all the surface stuff that happens which makes it pretty much like family.

this post is random. and i’m getting sleepy.


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February 2010
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