still

I have to pee sooo bad.

I don’t know why I’m writing since I’ve got to pee this badly. This is how it goes. This is what I do. I move from one thing to the next, to the next, to the next, the pressure growing, but I ignore it because when my mind is on a roll, I do not want to stop it. I want to see where it goes. I live for these moments of complete abandon where my brain is not capsized with fear, so I can follow it from here to there, watch it do what it does best, make up stories, make up random pots of soup, go from place to place with no direction.

I just really wished there was a pause button so I don’t wet my pants.

I woke up this weekend to the sound of thunder followed by the splat of raindrops and everything felt like it was falling into place. I felt like I could rest. Rain. Yes. Everything is okay. I turned in bed to face the dr., placed my hand on his hip and fell back asleep knowing that this week long need for hibernation made sense.

I had been wanting to keep a low profile for no real reason. I don’t know if it had to do with the cold that has been haunting me or the fact that I have nothing to say when people ask me what I’ve been doing that has me wanting to crawl under the covers and come out in 2010. It’s not depression or sadness. It’s not angsty or upsetting. It just…is.

I want to be alone or I want to be burrowing in jeff’s armpit. I do not want to drink. I do not want to have a soiree. I do not want to pass go or collect $200.

I feel like I’m making my way around the Monopoly board for the nth time and every time I make one full round I get my unemployment check, except for last week where I pulled a Chance card and had to go directly to jail. Apparently I filled out my paperwork wrong and had to redo it and wait an extra week for my check. Money may or may not have a part in my need to hibernate. I have money. I will be ok. I may be jumping the gun and getting nervous about the point that I will reach in the future when I may NOT have money. I’m well aware that every party comes to an end and I keep waiting for someone to call the cops on me ’cause I’ve been sitting pretty for 5 months now. Again with the metaphor. Go directly to Jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

But that really isn’t close to being the reason I’ve been wanting down time.

I’ve been finding some real moments of clarity when it’s quiet. When the door is shut and it’s 2:13 AM and I sort of forget that there is a world outside. When there’s music in the background and I’m stirring cake batter and jeff is sitting in a chair that he had brought into the kitchen so he could read in the same room while I bake. When we’re lying in bed in the dark telling stories late into the early morning. I forget there is a world outside and I like that. I like feeling that for a moment there is nothing in this world but us, this place and this time. Soon enough life things will pick up and there will be brunches and parties and dinners. There will be park days and movie days and holidays. Soon enough there will be jobs to go to, but for now, for just this moment, I want to stay here and lie still.

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