But ocifer I am but a little girl…

After smooching on the street corner I made my merry way up Hayes St., towards home, sometime close to 1:00 AM, happy as a clam, fuzzy with wine and laughter and a beautiful starry sky. I made it to the top of Alamo Square Park and looked straight up at the rare sight of constellations in the city and decided I wasn’t quite ready to be home.

I used to live on the other side of the hill. Josh and I used to come here at night and play on the swing set in the small playground in the park. I took a detour and awkwardly lept up the concrete barrier separating the sidewalk from the grass and ran to the playground which was lit by a nearby light, bathing the swing set in a coppery glow.

Without much thought I ran towards an empty swing, walked it back till it hit my butt just so and swung as high as I could, reaching my feet up to build momentum and kicking back, the only goal, to get my toes to top the Transamerica Pyramid.

I’ve been using an old shuffle lately as my ipod is completely dead and while I was initially frustrated with my inability to tell what it would play at any given moment, it’s been a godsend lately as I feel like we’ve formed a type of symbiotic relationship. Its randomness has started to speak to me, like it’s been programmed by a higher being whispering secrets to me as I wander down the aisles of grocery stores and the like. We’ve spent some quality time together this month. We can only get closer.

And I loved it at that exact moment, the moment I kicked a skyscraper which sent my right shoe flying through the air, the beginning of Mew’s “Am I Wry?No” blasted through my headphones, the strong guitar, those power chords, the whole magic of it all happening reaffirmed my belief in a divine being, a higher power working inside of me (and my screenless ipod).

I watched the sky for awhile, looking straight up, constantly reminding myself that while I was moving, so was the rest of the world and nothing is as stationary as you ever believe it to be and god doesn’t live in the sky and heaven isn’t up but everywhere inside and out.

The whole thing made me feel ridiculous but I was ok with it, shoeless and all. I was giddy and probably more tipsy then when I had left the party. I swung and kicked and swung and kicked and swung and kicked and swung and disconnected my headphones from my shuffle. The world went quiet. At least for a while. A voice in the distance called out to me.

A rapidly approaching male voice.

“Miss, I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” the voice said. “Playground’s closed.”

“What?” I asked, squinting at the blackness that laid outside of the coppery light. I slowed down but didn’t completely stop swinging.

“You’re going to need to vacate the playground, Miss. It’s well past midnight.”

A cop stepped into the lighted area and I stopped swinging.

“I know,” I said. “But-“

“No buts, Miss. Please, you need to vaca-“

“But I don’t have any drugs!” I randomly protested. Even as it was coming out of my mouth I knew it was a mistake. I couldn’t stop it, my mouth operating faster then my brain.

“You will need to leave the-“

“I just have this little purse!”

Omg omg omg omg why can’t I just shut the fuck up. I hate me. I so hate me.

“Miss-“

“But I-“

AHHH!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!

“Miss I will ask you one more-“

At that moment, the brain finally took the reigns and told my body to stand itself up, find my missing shoe and start walking back the way I came. The cop followed me till I reached the concrete barrier and watched me until I was on the sidewalk.

“Good night, Miss,” he said. “Thank you for cooperating.”

“You’re welcome,” I replied and waved goodbye. “‘Night Sir.”

I walked down the hill, down Hayes St. all the way home arriving at my front door a bit sweaty and completely starving.

I took off my sweater and my dress and stood in front of the fridge for awhile before pulling out a tupperwear container full of tofu. I shut the door and plopped myself at my desk/kitchen table. It’s where I spend all my time, usually waiting for dough to rise or for something to come out of the oven. I opened the container, opened the laptop, ate to my heart’s content and did the facebook thing for a bit before realizing I should put on clothes in case my roommate decided to take a late night dump.

With all good intentions of putting on pj’s I ended up crawling into bed, greasy fingers and all.

It’s good to know I can always take my contacts out and brush my teeth later, you know, when I’m not feeling so retarded.

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1 Response to “But ocifer I am but a little girl…”


  1. 1 Alicia June 24, 2009 at 6:45 pm

    Jen, you write like no one else I know. You've still got it, girl.


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