Awake

Yes. I am awake again. I am awake, listening to my cat purr for no reason, farting cardboard pizza, having imaginary but very real conversations with you in my head (and thank god not out loud).

Whenever I imagine us sitting down to talk I see me asking you questions like I’m giving you a survey. I am talking to you very much like a person who gets paid $2.50 an hour to see if you prefer Pepsi One to Coke Zero.

Do you find the taste of Coke Zero to be syrupy sweet? On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best, please rate the taste.

Do you find your new found status as a single person liberating? On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best, please rate your happiness.

If you answered “No” to the above question, please elaborate on your answer on the lines provided below.

If given the opportunity to discuss this break I feel like the door opens to all the crazy to come out in one fell swoop. I will not play fair and I will ask those hard hitting questions. I will pull out all the stops, all the horribly embarrassing ugly emotions that come with being in love with someone who isn’t too sure of how they feel about you. The shit nightmares are made out of. The shit that inevitably makes them slowly back away from you hoping you do not see them reaching for their car keys or their Muni passes.

I feel it coming. I feel the crazy bubbling and swirling in my lower intestines like last night’s farty $2.00 grocery store pizza. It smells bad, it feels even worse and it’s something I can’t control. You hold that kind of stuff in too long you can cause a lifetime of damage.

I hate it when I can’t tell the difference between my fart metaphor and my crazy.

It’s 7:00 AM on a Sunday morning and I’m lying in bed in traction over my bad food choices and my need to destroy everything so I can walk away from the rubble of a broken relationship. I hate how I feel this need to blow shit up and not quietly slink away into the shadows like, “You don’t love me? Oh, ok. That’s fine. Byeee!” I want to sit down and ask all the questions that I know will make you squirm. I want to ask you if there is someone else with that cutting tone that says ‘I know there IS someone else.’ But there probably isn’t someone else…

and sometimes I wished maybe there was so it would be easier to place someone else’s face as the blame for this…someone’s face that isn’t your own.

Cause now all I’m left with is the idea that you tried me out and realized I wasn’t for you.

Why this is so painful, I don’t know. People try things they end up not liking all the time. I tried mayonnaise once and it made me gag.

If I am the mayonnaise in your life and I made you gag and made you retreat then I…I don’t know what to do anymore. I am the all egg yolk concoction of your nightmares and I cannot be anything else but what I am. And if all I am is an emulsion that repulses you then…I guess it’s best if you leave now.

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