happy

i’m at a point in my life where i never thought i’d be.

i’m not independently wealthy.

i’m not society’s ideal weight.

i’m not famous.

i’m still socially awkward,i still dress like someone who can’t decide if they’re 13 or 35 and i still find escalators stressful.

but i’m happy.

i had started thinking about this happiness business last year when paul had asked me if I thought I would ever really, truly be happy.  it was the most depressing question in the world because i had thought i was happy.  i had thought i was pretty ok but in really examining my life, i wasn’t sure. i didn’t know and i was staring down the line of a long and lonely road of always being worried that i was never going to amount to anything because my happiness was completely dependent on being this made up ideal of thin/carefree/glamorous/socialite/put-together person that wasn’t me.

everything i was doing was to be everything i wasn’t because everything i was…wasn’t ever going to be good enough.

i set an impossible fantasy standard on myself that degraded and made fun of and put down everything i currently was.

things started to shift when i realized that if i wanted to really be happy i needed to really be happy with who i really am and that who i really am is a really awesome person.

it’s really easy to say you think you’re awesome.

it’s much more difficult to believe it and act like you are.

it’s easy to say hey, yeah, i love myself but it’s much more difficult to treat yourself like you do.

it’s a constant practice but it gets easier.

and each day i get better and better and making these small decisions that are in tune with what i’m trying to do, which is treat myself better because i deserve it.

undoing a lifetime’s worth of ‘work hard because you’re not good enough and don’t celebrate your success because then you’ll look boastful‘ is difficult.

but it’s possible.

i want to email paul even though it’s been forever since he asked me that question and say yes.

yes i do think i can be really happy.  because i’m really happy now and i’m 100% sure of it.

valentines

happy valentines day internets.

love me.

almost

i feel almost normal despite the sniffles and the confused feeling of almost being able to smell and taste.

i felt chapped and applied some random lip stuff.  i keep a chapstick like product in my top drawer.  these things come in handy.  it must have been a freebie as it has yoga journal emblazoned on the side of the tube.

about five minutes ago i detected a mint scent.

omg.  is that my lip stuff?

DID I JUST ALMOST SMELL MY LIP STUFF?

i took a sip of my orange juice to see if maybe i could taste it and maybe this was the first step in being able to taste again.

i could ALMOST taste the soul of my juice.  everything i’ve been consuming lately has been vague notes of salt, sweet or bitter. food hasn’t tasted like food it’s tasted like flavored gruel.  it’s been depressing realizing one of my greatest joys in life has been taken away as i battle this never ending cold.

while this morning i got a hint of smell and a hint of taste i am still miserably impatient as i want to feel normal so i can jump start all these things i want to do with my free time that does not include laying in bed watching youtube videos on my tiny internet device trying to remember what chocolate tastes like.

i’ve changed my schedule with sampson so i’m only going every other week and i’m quite happy with it so far.  i’m glad i don’t have to go this week and that’s a sign.  it had started to feel laborious going every week.  i’ve been feeling like i’m doing my work and getting better at dealing with things and i’ve just been feeling like i don’t want to talk about it.  i don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  i don’t think it’s either really.  it just is what it is.  my parasympathetic nervous system is doing its thing bringing me back to an even keel so stress has been kept at a manageable level.  while i’ve been feeling just all around gross, slovenly and unattractive lately i know that’s due to 14 days of being a snot ball and 3 days of womb havoc speaking.  i can identify the evil voice when it starts telling me i’m worthless and tell it to shut the fuck up, i’m busy and i’m way overdue for a haircut.

hair.

i sorta want to grow it out again or maybe i’m telling myself that so i don’t have to deal with getting it chopped and figuring out a style.

we’ll see.

i went to see tara, my NP, last week and discussed the breast reduction.  she thinks i only really need to lose 15 lbs.  this blew me away as i was sure i needed to lose twice that much.  i do have to make an appointment for a consultation with o.’s doctor but i feel like tara’s suggested weight loss # put things in perspective for me.  this makes it easier to continue thinking about health in terms of how i feel as opposed to how much i weigh.

it’s made me feel better about everything.

except this not being able to taste or breathe thing.  that still sucks.

still

i can’t believe i’m still sick.

i actually felt a lot better last Sunday and then something snapped loose Wednesday and all of a sudden i felt 100x worse.

this weekend was miserable.  i don’t remember the last time i had been this run into the ground by an illness. 

every time i find myself this sick i start bartering with the devil.  i will do anything to feel better again.  i do dumb things like drink more emergen-c than i believe is recommended.  vitamins on an empty stomach.  tea with cayenne pepper.  anything to feel remotely human again.

even though i know the only way is to ride it out.  i can only think about how glorious that day will be when i can breathe through both nostrils.

i find myself most sad by the fact that i can no longer taste anything. my connection to food as a comfort source has been tested. i should take this opportunity to eat raw kale and all sorts of healthy things while i’m in this state.

school starts tonight and while i wished i felt better i’m excited to see peoples and go to class.  i’m hoping tonight is low key orientation type stuff because i don’t know how much i can really handle.

i can’t wait until this sickness is over.