knead

i always find it somewhat annoying when people use the phrase, ‘back to my roots’.

i guess i’ve always encountered people who use that phrase to be people who really have no idea what their roots really are.

i didn’t find myself going back to my roots this weekend but going back to 2008.  the year i took baking to the next level and spent hours waiting for dough to rise and watching the sun come up with a loaf in the oven making the house smell like something out of a television show about a family that lived in the woods and made their own food and wrapped up their problems in 45 minutes because love and understanding is all you need… or something like that.

i relapsed into sickness by waking up saturday morning with that crusty, achy, sore throaty kinda feeling.  i got out of bed, put on yoga clothes and found myself sitting on the edge of the tub brushing my teeth because i was too achy to stand up.  this was when it hit me that it might not be a good idea to go to yoga feeling this way.

but i also didn’t think i could crawl back into bed. while i felt ill i felt like lying down was not something my body wanted at that moment so i packed up the books and went to the summit to draw and read about fascia. that was followed by a trip to the store for soup making things and i made a vat of soup for the dr. and i.

i had an appointment with maria for a massage since she wasn’t feeling so great and her neck had been jacked up which also included some peripheral arm pain which, of course, made me think TOS!, TOS!

Thoracic Outlet Syndrome will now be showing up everywhere, i’m sure.

despite feeling sickly and because i am my mother’s daughter (read: stubborn) i kept the appointment and did the massage.  surprisingly enough i felt better afterwards.  miss maria hung out for a bit and i ended up crawling into the poof chair to read and by read i mean take a nap.

i am realizing i can no longer read while reclined in any manner.  it’s a one way ticket to snoozetown with no promise of return.

i woke up and the dr. had made dinner.  god i love him.

the 2 hour nap though had me awake until 2AM studying and drawing boney structures.

i find most of my free time is spent thinking about soft tissue and boney structures.  it’s like some sort of sickness, really.

despite such a late bedtime i was awake early sunday and made the same trek to the summit for study and drawing.  i’m realizing how much i love this routine.

i had fed my sourdough starter the night before and poured some out into a bowl to ferment on the counter knowing i wanted to do some sort of baking sunday.

after study time at the summit i found myself elbow deep in doughy goop.

god i love it.  i kneaded for what seemed like hours and there was something so completely theraputic about the whole experience.

i had forgotten what it was like to manipulate dough and work it until it was the right consistency where there was enough gluten strands formed to ensure the right kind of texture you want for your bread.

as i kneaded my brain made the obvious connection to massage and i was  surprised i had never thought about it before.  manipulating soft tissues until the right consistency is reached…i wanted to slap my own self.   ’duh.

friends came over for art day and i fed them carbs which, of course, made all of us happy.   later on in the evening i tested out some myofascial release stuff i learned wanting to get his opinion on how it felt (result:  it hurts in the good kinda way).  i also tried some pectoral stretches and hip openers i knew but hadn’t had the balls to try yet in clinic (i need to get over that).  i also did the psoas trigger point stretch that brought me to tears but he didn’t feel much of a stretch but then again the dr.’s back bends are phenomenal and his front body is very open, the opposite of mine.

he is pliable.  i am mostly not.  except for my hyper extended knees and elbows.

par of the course i was up later than i wanted to be reading about the blood vessels that travel to the brain.  it’s a wonder how i function.  i keep expecting to go to bed one night and not wake up until 7 days later to make up for all the sleep i’ve lost these past couple of months (even though i know you can’t quite catch up in that manner).   it’s my last week of the advanced program which makes me feel like ‘WHEEE, YES!!! SOMEONE HAND ME A DRINK!’ but it also makes me feel like i’m now supposed to do something real with this schooling.  i need to redefine what is real for me though and learn how to be gentle with myself.  i don’t need to dive in face first.  i need to finish my clinic hours, i need to finish that one pesky fundamentals class i need to take.  i need to apply for my license.

and i need to rest.

it’s hard to really see how you feel when you’re in the middle of all this business.  i’ve been trying to make decisions and plan out 2012 while i’ve been drowning in work, school and this ubiquitous pressure to do something great that no one but myself is putting on myself.

i’m looking forward to going back to 2008, the year of the layoff and reliving some of its finer aspects.  lots of bad things happened in the beginning of that year.  i was dumped by my boyfriend.  i lost my job. i spent most of january trying really hard to gain an unhealthy nyquil addiction so i wouldn’t have to deal with the things i didn’t want to deal with.  things were bad but the moment i stepped outside of those bad feelings, put them aside to try and be happy again, to try and feel good, i found so many good things that were worth living life for. free time to spend on whatever i wanted to do, park days with friends, yoga,  baking, reading books, writing books and being in love.

alive

there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
this weekend was school, school, clinic and homework.
and sunday afternoon after burrito consuming and thrift store shopping with heather i came home and promptly passed out on the couch. when i woke up from my nap the general malaise of an oncoming illness came over me and basically smothered any hope of doing laundry.

called in sick today. it was the only thing i could do. i made a magical vat of soup that ended up being my most favorite vat of soup i’ve ever made. started with a basic mirepoix in olive oil, garlic, cayenne pepper w/ seeds left in, mushrooms, broccoli, cheddar cauliflower, cannellini beans, farfalle pasta, peas. i ate 2 bowls, worked on my referral list, reviewed lower body anatomy in relation to yoga poses (ray long is my hero) and fell asleep while it rained outside. the dr. was sweet enough to do my laundry for me. i am forever grateful for every little (and large) thing he does for me.

“i don’t know why you like me,” i said in the kitchen after inviting myself to sit on his lap while he solved his rubix cube for the upteenth time today.
“i don’t know why you like me,” he responded.
“because you’re nice and because you’re good looking,” i answered.
“that’s why i like you too,” he said and continued to spin the cube’s sections faster than i could imagine.

i failed to mention that i also like him because even though i’m a good 20 lbs heavier than him he lets me sit on his lap anyway.

2 more weeks of school, no more saturday classes just sunday clinics, one anatomy test, one fundamentals class of my choice and i’ll be done.

until next year.

finding out saturday that the organization of the bodywork therapist program (which is basically level 3) is changing next year to be Mon & Wed nights along with one weekend a month for 6 months changes what i may do next year. level 3 would include 40 hours of deep tissue, the cranial sacral workshop i’m missing because malcolm will be in town, the ortho bionomy workshop i want to take early november as well as all the anatomy classes and stretching and joint mobilization.

this would put me at 500 hours by April next year.

the idea that some of my classmates from level 2 will be taking it as well is incentive to do this now and not wait because i like having classes with these people and i’ll miss them when this is over in 2 weeks.

but i should stick to the plan and not make any plans until the end of level 2.

me and my stupid plans.

fyi, i caved and bought my 2012 planner online already. i couldn’t hold back any longer.

all nighter

tonight won’t be an all nighter.  i just need to type up my paper (yes i basically hand wrote it, yes i know we live in a world where you do not have to hand write anything anymore and yes i wrote it out because i love looking at my handwriting), finish making my shoulder joint and practice my presentation.

it’ll be a late night but i doubt it will take me forever to do.

which makes me a bit sad because i remember all nighters well and i miss them.

sorta.

no, i do miss them.

there was something exciting about pushing through the different stages of delirium you go through to get things done.  i thrived off of it in college.  this is why i, a highly responsible and organized person, waited to the last minute to do some things.

because it was more fun.

because i am crazy. 

i won’t lie, even though i broke out into stress hives when i pledged zeta in college (it’s a co-ed fraternity people and i did it because it was uncool to be a greek in my uber artistic college, don’t judge me), i sorta loved it.  working full time, going to school full time and pledging full time was like being being in the amazing race without all that traveling.  it basically felt like you needed to go go go until certain renal failure.   it was adrenaline and delirium and pure sugar rush.  it was excitement and action.

it was… awful on my body.

i have a feeling that i used to live off of this kind of crap because it made me feel alive.

the lame equivalent of why people ride rollercoasters or go sky diving or eat shellfish in landlocked states.

what i remember hating about all nighters is that you’re still expected to function the next day.  i remember the sun coming up and after the initial WOO HOO I’M ALMOST DONE BITCHES the descent would begin.  my skin would start to feel unreal.  the nausea would come in waves as i had consumed enough coffee to eat the lining of not only my stomach but my entire intestinal tract.  motor skills became a thing of the past.  it would take an hour to dress myself.

recovery was not fun.

it’s funny how i still look back on this with longing though.

someone needs to beat me with day old baguettes because i’m disappointed that i’m no longer insane.

fall

it’s officially here.  it’s dark out, it’s raining, it’s soup weather, it’s boot weather and it’s wear things with hoods weather.

i’m loving it.

it’s also a time when i sorta slow down.  after last night i decided to put the yoga teacher training idea on the back burner until i’m finished with the advanced program and really think things out then.  i have time.  of course i made this decision and then this morning decided to start making a comparison chart of the 4 different programs/schools i’m looking at.

we are a meticulous type of person, us chart making people.

this is why i love graph paper.

after putting down as much info as i could find on all the programs one ruled themselves out almost instantly and one unexpected one popped out as the current front runner when i thought they were at the back of the pack.

excuse me people, this will be boring as i go through this exercise to put my brain at ease.

yoga garden – ruled out – it’s the only program with classes both tuesdays and fridays AND weekends.

yoga mayu – still thinking about it – mid session break, january – april, friday nights and weekends (1/2 days on sundays), payment plan, mentorship, required reading and class observations.

yoga tree – still thinking about it – 6 months – february- july, friday nights and weekends, payment plan, mentorship, 6 hours of class practice a week.

yoga loft – sudden front runner – 6 months – no date  yet set for 2012 training   (2011 training started  in sept) – sat and sudays every OTHER weekend with specialty modules added  (prenatal, business, bhagavad gita study, corporate & private teaching, chanting) as well as weekend retreat with the class and instructors outside of the city.   outside studio study, practice and homework.  payment plan (more expensive and challenging).

now that i’ve got that out of my system -

the loft jumped out as a front runner because of my connection to the studio (first yoga class, love of the space and the teachers) AND the schedule.  while there are no dates set yet for next years program, they have an open house and if it’s starts later in the year…

i think i’ll have time to breathe.

of course my brain translated that last line to “THEN YOU’LL HAVE TIME TO TAKE THE SHIATSU PROGRAM AND GET YOUR 500 CMT HOURS!”

sigh.  my brain will never learn.

thank god i’m learning to listen to my body more these days because my brain is a bizzatch.

wasn’t i not supposed to think about this until the end of October?

i need to step outside, put my hood up and take a mini walk in the rain to grab a seasonal coffee beverage of my choosing.

update

deciding to go home and make soup and spend time with my sweetheart was the right thing to do.  it’s what i needed.

i also did all the research and wrote my paper for school that’s due saturday.

if you were experience tingling and weakness in your hand, a wasting away of the fleshy part of your hand at the base of your thumb, or discoloration (bluish tint) of the hand let me know and i can explain to you what thoracic outlet syndrome is.

all i need to do is finish my actual glenohumeral joint, bake it and hope it doesn’t fall apart when i transport it to class this weekend.

i’m going to try and attempt 6:15AM yoga again tomorrow morning.  fingers crossed i wake up!

 

plan

 i lost time since my last saturday class.  enough time that i didn’t realize i have class again this saturday and my project is due and i have not worked on it…at all.

my shoulder joint made out of sculpey lies in pieces in a baking dish under my desk.  i completed my scapula, humerus, clavical and acromion and coracoid processes along with all the rotator cuff muscles.  i need to make my ligaments and put the whole thing together AND write my paper AND prepare my presentation.

not realizing this until  11PM last night…sucked.

with class tue and thursday and sampson on wed nights this leaves me with monday and friday evenings to finish this which interferes with my lofty yoga plans.

i spent this morning debating about going to either bikram or vinyasa.  i brought my bikram stuff with me sure i would make it tonight but i’m now realizing i should probably go home,  work on my project and make dinner for my sweetheart who has spent the last couple of months taking care of me in my frenzied work/school state.

and when i say i should, it doesn’t mean i feel burdened, i just feel like i want to do too many things.

i’ve never been good at doing just one thing.

this insane need to do yoga teacher training early next year is proof positive.  all this, ‘strike while the iron is hot!’ vibrating inside of me, ricocheting off the walls of my ribcage, pushing me to just do, do, do.

this rings back to starting my senior year of high school and moving my sister into her college dorm.  i had a hard time thinking of anything else but moving into my own dorm and college.  i always wanted to be a step ahead of wherever i was.

if anything my yoga practice has taught me it’s that i need to sit still and be aware of where i am currently before racing too far into a future that i can’t predict.

the best time to do this is on the muni ride to work.  it’s one of the only times of the day where i feel like my mind can be still and when it starts to move forward or backward i can easily reign it back to the present.  something about the movement of the train helps with this.

there isn’t really anything wrong with wanting all the things i want or  wanting to do all the things and wanting to make a plan and put them on a list.  my problem is focus.  my problem is recognizing what it is i need.  i often find that i don’t know how to define what it is i need.  so i do all these things i want though they may be in conflict with what i need.

my weekend was derailed by a hangover i wasn’t prepared for.  i had no idea i would drink as much as i did at sadia’s birthday party but before you know it the dr. and i are in line at taqueria cancun around midnight.  i guess the problem was we headed to the party sans dinner.

i spent friday night in and out of the bathroom, in and out of restless sleep, wanting to throw up and not being able to.

i hate it when i relive moments of my 20s that i never want to revisit again.

saturday morning was slow going.  as we laid in bed on our respective tiny internet devices i realized that i did not remember the last time we had done just that.  laid around in bed on a saturday morning.  i always had class, yoga or schoolwork to do at the summit.  i was usually up and out of bed by 9 at the latest  and i would tiptoe out of the house so as not to disturb the dr.

despite feeling like someone had kicked me in the face a couple of times, it was pleasant to be snuggled with my boyfriend.  i had planned on going to bikram.  i had planned on getting some homework done.

sometimes things don’t go as planned and that’s ok.

sometimes you need to eat leftover hangover burrito, watch project runway, eat ramen, watch iron man, take a nap, eat french fries and veggie burgers, watch old episodes of project runway and then eat falafel with your brother.

plans sometimes do the ole swithcheroo.  while i should go to yoga and beat myself up in the sweatbox for an hour and a 1/2, i need to go home, make my sweetheart dinner and do the research for my paper due saturday.

actually, i want to.